How do you beat a narcissist at their own game? How do you corner them? How do you keep them at bay? How do you teach them a lesson? Is there even a way to do any of this? Well, there is, but that way is not to fight them the way they fight you because they have already mastered that fight and control the outcome. It’s like wrestling with pigs: pigs enjoy it, they get dirty, you get dirty as well, but you won’t like it, and you will get hurt. So, how do you fight them? How do you defeat them? Let’s find out in today’s episode.
Number One: Become Ice Cold Towards Them
I have said it so many times by now that a narcissist feeds on your emotions. They are parasites, predators who need you to feel something. The moment you feel something, they feel power. The moment you react to their fight, the moment you start yelling and screaming the way they are yelling and screaming, you lose because it’s not who you are. It’s not your authentic self, but their screaming and yelling self is what they essentially are—they’re nothing beyond that.
So, what should you do in this situation? Anytime a narcissist tries to push your buttons, draw a boundary, mark your territory, but do not yell, do not scream, do not give them the response they want from you. In other words, do not justify yourself—no justifications needed. You do not have to prove yourself; they know what they have done. It’s just that they do not want to acknowledge it or they want to blame it on you. Do not argue because you know you’re not going to get anything out of those arguments. These are circular conversations and you won’t achieve anything. You will only lose yourself, your sanity, and your strength, which are your most important assets.
Do not explain yourself. Why would you explain you didn’t mean what they make it seem like you meant, or you didn’t say what they blame you for saying? The person is not interested in knowing what you said or didn’t say—they are interested in making you think you are making up things, going crazy, or misremembering. There is no point in explaining anything to this manipulative individual.
Lastly, do not personalize blame shifting. They will call you all the names possible and imaginable, all the bad labels. Your main job is not to take any of that personally by telling yourself that it is not your truth. It is the projection defense mechanism of the narcissist; it is basically a confession. Every single thing they are saying, blaming you for, is nothing but a confession. What you should do is look for proof for those confessions. If the narcissist says you are destroying the children, know that they are doing it. They have given you the clue, something to work on and find out how they are doing it.
Anytime they go crazy with yelling and screaming and become really loud, you calm down. Control the situation. Either stay silent or say something like, “When you are done, let me know so we can get started with the topic,” or “We can get started discussing the problem.” Keep repeating yourself until they realize there is no point in yelling and screaming because you see through them, you know what they’re trying to do, and you’re not going to give them that power. Or say, “I do not respond to that volume,” so they know they are done here. There is nothing to manipulate, nothing to exploit. Always give monosyllabic answers whenever possible or one-liners like, “We both know that is not what happened,” or “I understand why you think that way, but that is your opinion and you are entitled to have one.” Agree to disagree and drop it there. Watch them throw tantrums, but do not respond by reacting.
Number Two: Remain Decisive
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You cannot be reactive as I was explaining because your reaction will always be used against you. When I say stay decisive or remain decisive, I mean keep your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that enables executive functioning—accessible. How do you do that? By knowing what’s going on in your body. You need to understand that when we are in a survival state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, we are not able to think properly, logically understand things, decide, or plan. Why? Because we don’t have access to our prefrontal cortex, the evolved part of the brain. We stay in this emotional survival part of the brain and only know how to react. That is not going to help you here.
You have to always come to your body, know what’s going on, and most importantly, relax it intentionally. Imagine that the narcissist you’re trying to deal with is like a bulldog that can bite but is chained. It can only bark. Be relaxed-vigilant, not hyper-vigilant. Hyper-vigilance won’t help; relaxed vigilance will. Remain relaxed-vigilant by relaxing your body, imagining you are a wet noodle, relaxing your jaw. This is very crucial. I have done it personally; it helps a lot for you to play along. It’s a game of chess—you have to predict what moves will be made before you make a move. So, relax your arms, sit properly, and tell yourself, “I’m dealing with a toddler. I can handle this. I just do not have to react.”
Number Three: Use Their Narcissistic Traits Against Them
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This one is a little tricky, but if you know the narcissist you are dealing with is extremely image-focused, think of ways to use that against them. For example, if this narcissist wants to be perceived as an amazing parent by people like the court system or the police, you want to trigger that. Push your decisions and make them about the welfare of your children so the narcissist feels compelled to agree even when they don’t want to. Some narcissists are extremely paranoid. How can you trigger that paranoia of bad exposure and make them feel compelled to act, or everyone will know who they are?
Can you trigger their impulsivity? If they are extremely impulsive, how can you offer them something that lures the narcissist into the trap of instant gratification? What is instant gratification for the narcissist? Feeling powerful, in control, or having their ego stroked? Think about all these things and come up with unique strategies to use their traits against them so they do what you want them to do.
Number Four: State Facts Always and Do Not Chase Winning
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If you go after winning obsessively, you may lose track because the narcissist knows how to cleverly and strategically maneuver. They know what buttons to push to derail you and hamper your progress. Your focus should be on the present moment and handling the challenges they present, not on winning always. Yes, that should be the ultimate goal, but don’t be misled by it.
When I say state facts, I mean gather the evidence or present the evidence you have for each of their behaviors. You cannot call them a narcissist in the court system, or if you call them a narcissist in front of objective people, they may say, “Oh, you’re psycholabeling this person. How do you know? Being assessed as a narcissist takes months.” You know how that goes.
So what do you do? How can you handle that very cleverly? You point out all their behavioral traits. For example, a narcissist is arrogant, vindictive, punitive, non-cooperative, not amicable, rigid, condescending, exploitative, extreme in their approach, sometimes malevolent, sadistic—I can go on and on. What I am trying to do here is help you think of all the traits you can name, the labels that can describe their personality instead of calling them what they actually are, which is a narcissist.
For each trait you identify, gather evidence. Describe how they are arrogant, malevolent, or rigid. Give examples and point out the proof. Either show the proof if you need to or keep it ready. If you have text messages, make a folder of those text messages and name it “Exploitation.” Then you know where to find proof of this. Write a book about this person, a biography. Describe their personality. Open a Word document and describe them, their traits, and for each trait have detailed examples and descriptions and evidence. This will help you be perceived as rational, logical, the sane one, the person who has things in control and has a lot to show rather than a lot to say. The narcissist will have a lot to say, but no proof. You do. Your documentation will help you; you just have to know how to use it properly.
Number Five: Know When to Disengage
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A narcissist is driven by supply. They shouldn’t get supply from you all the time, negative or positive. Know when to call it quits, know when to cut the ties, know when to let it go, and then act on it. For example, if you’re trying to negotiate with them and there is a meeting scheduled, and the narcissist goes crazy with blame shifting, talking about everything except the topic you’re negotiating, what do you do? You say, “I’m sorry, it seems right now you are not in the right state of mind. We will come back to this topic when you are more ready or in a better state of mind.” Leave it there, drop it, be declarative, and step back. Do not keep them satiated. Your presence is poison to them, but they love it—they love tormenting you, labeling you as crazy, all the things you are not but they themselves are.
So, step back, take your power back. Know when to shut it down, call it off, and remove yourself from the situation. They should know you are not willing to sit there and listen to that BS or just take that abuse. You will only give them supply if they comply or behave differently than they did the last time. Here, you are trying to condition them a little bit. The moment they behave nicely, give them a little more supply. Be transactional. Everything has to be transactional. For everything you give, you must take something back home. Think of it as gambling—you’re playing a risky game, so gauge the responses, test things. Do not set something rigid in your mind. Try things, see what works. If something works, keep using it. If not, stop it. Evolve yourself until you get what you want out of the situation and get out. Don’t ever look back.
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