That’s when you start the early stages of getting trauma-bonded to them. Same goes with them not bringing you the chai latte in the mornings and all of a sudden him being the busiest person in the world. That’s the push-pull game of the trauma bond. They will make you feel as though you are the love of their life one moment, to making you feel worthless the next moment, to making you feel like their soulmate that next. It’s a never-ending cycle until the day they choose to be “done with you.” You’ll start to contemplate your every move, your thoughts will become consumed with worry that you are doing something wrong that is making him or her change so much (which again, is exactly why they’re changing and doing everything that they’re doing/saying to you…it’s all calculated.) As the devaluation stage continues those passive-aggressive “jokes” and statements start to eat at you. Since he isn’t being outright, you don’t fight him on it, to not look “crazy”, because even when you do question it he’ll make excuses like “Oh I was just joking” or “no babe I’m not judging you for liking Luke Bryan’s music, I just can’t stand pop country anymore” or “no, of course I don’t think you’re fat, I love you just the way you are. I just know how self conscious you are and your clothes are lookng pretty tight on you now.”
Those subtle passive aggressive digs, along with his silent treatments and push/ pull away of his or her attention/affection will definitely make you think there’s something wrong with you that made them “change”. It’ll slowly break you down mentally. Based on the examples I gave above, ways that it will change your life could be things like.. You’ll may start dieting and working out thinking “omg he must think I’m fat and just doesn’t wanna hurt my feelings”. Yet no matter how much you work out you’ll never hear from him how “good you look” or how “good you’re doing”. You’ll start thinking how he hates country pop now, so even though you love Luke Bryan you stop listening to him. Then you’ll start to do things that you’ll think will up your points with the covert narcissist. For example by buying concert tickets to the covert narcs favorite band, only for him to cancel on you 10 minutes before the concert begins, leaving you to watch a band perform all alone, a band you may not even like. You’ll start feeling like you’re walking on eggshells to not push him further away. You may start obsessing…going over conversations you had in your head, reading text convos over and over to see if you said anything wrong etc. and it will slowly start to eat at you.
5 Weird Things a Narcissist Does when they hit Collapse
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