As the devaluation stage moves along and he’s scouting out other sources and believes he has a good bead on grabbing a new primary source of supply, the less subtle he’ll be in his devaluation of you. He’ll start to use the next manipulative tactic called triangulation on you. For example those “jokes” on how needy you are start to turn into triangulation opportunities. You’ll say something like “Joey we really need to talk, I know you told me that you’ve been busy at work but I feel as though you’re avoiding me”. He’ll now respond with “wow, I’m starting to envy my co-worker Ron, hisss girlfriend isn’t this clingy and sheee understands our job takes up a lot of our time.” And now here you are, not wanting to seem clingy, feeling crazy, and now comparing yourself to other women. You may start thinking how you better “get it together” or another woman might take your place. Another example of triangulation is now that “honest opinion” about your weight, has turned into him saying over breakfast “Wow hun, another peice of toast? You should hire a personal trainer. My coworker Janice is super toned and fit and she was telling me over lunch yesterday that she hired a trainer and it changed her life. She looks sooo good now.” Now not only are you becoming more insecure about your body, but you’re getting jealous about him spending time with and being so complimentary over a female coworker whom you never heard of before. You don’t bring it up at first because you’re trying desperately to get back the lovebomb guy again and don’t wanna push him away by seeming “crazy and jealous” over a work lunch. Etc. Those states of mind are exactly where a narcissist wants you. The narcissist craves attention and probably doesn’t even see you as clingy, but he or she wants you to believe that they think so by subtly putting it out there. Same goes for let’s say they actually don’t mind your tummy not being flat, but they know you mind so they’ll passive aggressively make you think that they do. They may not care about country pop music one way or the other but they want you to feel as though your likes and interests are garbage now. They also really don’t care about Ron’s girlfriend or their co-worker Janice but they want to make you jealous but subtly enough that they could also call you crazy if you bring other women up. They do all of the above subtly to you as they devalue you because they want to drive you crazy to have control over you. You disappointed them by not being superhuman or by slighting them in some way so now you have to pay. You’ll pay by making you try harder for them, they do so to get their ego boosted by seeing how you’ll even change your tastes and beliefs for them, and because they also need to feel in control of every relationship they need you to feel less than them.
At the end of the devaluation stage, just before the discard phase is when the coverts are the least sublte and the most mean. Depending on how badly he wants to hurt you or string you along is how this part of this stage happens. Based on what I’ve seen, just before the discard stage the coverts become more like the overts. Now fights are happening and they’re plenty. His every word is a tear down of you. Whether he insults your looks, your intelligence, your abilites, your job, your parenting etc. Now he’s actually calling you fat by saying how you should “really lose some weight than maybe he’ll be able to stomach sleeping with you again”, now he’s disappearing for longer periods of time with no more efforts of even giving excuses…and when he finally does give you an excuse it will always be blamed on you. For example he’ll now say things like “Yea, I didn’t call you all weekend because I needed space you’re so clingy.” “No, I didn’t want to text you back because all you want to do is argue.” “Yea I spent my Saturday clubbing with the boys because you stressed me out and I needed to have fun to forget about the stress you cause me.” Etc. Now is usually when you are so trauma-bonded (depending on how long your relationship and abuse went on) that you’re doing everything you can to get back that lovebomb stage man you fell in love with. You keep feeling worse about yourself and try harder to please him. Once he has secured a new primary source of supply is when you’ll be discarded only to hear from him again if he gets bored of his new souce quickly and hoovers you so that you can entertain him as he finds a new source again, then he will disappear once more.
There are many more examples but this is long enough as it is. Hope this helps and I truly hope that since you know that you, or someone you know is in a relationship with a covert narcissist that you/they just discard them and go no contact. Covert narcissists are wolves in sheeps clothing and can cut you with so many papercuts until eventually you are cut into pieces and broken. Once you know you go! Good luck with everything.
Narcissists’ 8 Favorite Catchphrases (Spot Them From a Mile Away)
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