The profound bond between a parent and a child is universally cherished, isn’t it? However, with narcissistic parents, the fabric of this relationship is tainted by motives beyond affection. Narcissists are driven by their image and how they are seen in public. The need to look good and uphold a favorable public image leads to a complex and damaging relationship with their children. They use their children as trophies, accessories, and objects but never truly connect with them. They do not see their children as individuals with a separate personality who have the right to grow, expand, and explore the world on their terms. Absolutely not. They see their children as possessions to own and use in whatever way they think they can.
Narcissistic parents show affection for public approval
Narcissistic parents shower their children with affection when in public. This display, however, is primarily aimed at garnering admiration and approval from others. My mother used to do that all the time. In private, she would be completely disconnected and uninvolved, but in public, when others were watching, she would be the nicest, kindest, and sweetest mother. I would be taken aback, wondering what had changed. Had I done something miraculous for her to become this godly mother, or was she pleased with me for reasons I did not know? That is how it feels to be with a narcissistic parent who has this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde side. This is the core origin of the trauma bond that a child develops with their parent. The underlying motive of this parent is to present themselves as caring parents rather than genuinely cherishing their child’s happiness and well-being. It’s all about the show.
Idealization of the toddler stage
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Narcissists favor the toddler stage in their children’s lives because this is when they receive abundant attention and compliments from others regarding their child. The focus on the parent’s role at this stage rather than the child’s development results in affection that is shallow and self-serving. When you are a toddler, you can’t talk. Narcissists love silence. You do what they want you to do. You comply; you’re totally obedient. That compliance is seen as the highest form of supply. There is no true parent-child relationship. It’s all about owning this thing they have in their hands. This child is always looking for them, always crying for their attention, always wanting them to be around, and depending on them for every single need. This form of validation is the highest form of drug for the narcissist. That is why they are really nice to you when you’re very young. It’s only when you start individuating, developing a separate personality, that they show their true colors.
They love control and compliance
As children grow, especially between the ages of 3 and 15, they are less likely to question authority. This is a phase when the narcissistic parent finds it easier to mold you according to their image, which may be mistaken for fondness but is more about control and compliance. They choose what you study, the school you go to, your friends—everything is shaped by them. You do not have an identity of your own; you just become an extension of theirs. If you try to express your individuality, your separateness, your differences in any way—differences from them, differences that make you a completely unique individual—you are seen as a troublemaker. The alarm goes off in their head, and the attack begins.
Their love is very conditional
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A characteristic trait in the relationship between a narcissistic parent and their children is the conditionality of affection. A parent is supposed to show unconditional positive regard toward their children. It doesn’t mean unconditional enabling, of course not. It just means accepting the child for who they are. But the love of a narcissistic parent is very conditional; it is transactional, performance-based. You are only seen as deserving of their love when you meet their expectations. If not, you are devalued and eventually discarded. Love and attention are often contingent on the child’s ability to meet the parent’s expectations, especially in terms of reflecting positively on them.
They utilize children as leverage
A narcissistic parent uses their children as pawns to manipulate situations or individuals. Children are placed in the center of adult issues. They become the therapists, the mediators, the ones who carry burdens they do not have the capacity to carry. They become the ones who resolve conflicts without any skills or capabilities to do so. They may use you as a pawn against the other parent. If both parents are narcissists, you are trapped in a hell because you have no one. They may use you to punish the other parent. In most cases, you do not know you are being used until later, when the damage has already been done. They use you to gain the upper hand over situations, to display to the public, and as their achievement, as if you’re the one who brings glory. You are not seen as yourself; no mental representation of a relationship with you, except as a source of supply, exists.
You are used to display a perfect family image
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Narcissistic parents harbor a deep-seated need to portray an image of the perfect family. This leads them to fixate on their children’s appearance, manners, and achievements as a reflection of their parenting. This focus on image rather than substance results in a relationship devoid of genuine emotional depth. Their selective treatment of their children leads to the creation of scapegoats, black sheep, and golden children. Those who keep up with their standards lose their identity in the process, which is why most golden children become narcissists eventually. The primary example of that is the relationship between a narcissistic son and his mother. Scapegoats, who are not as perfect as the golden child, are discarded. They get all the hatred, all the abuse. Narcissistic parents do not treat their children equally.
They exercise favoritism and create a rift among siblings
A narcissistic parent favors one child over the other, using the favored child as an ally to manipulate and control the siblings. This favoritism is rarely based on genuine affection but is a means to maintain dominance and control within the family structure. They are the puppeteers, and you are the puppets, everyone functioning according to their will, but only the scapegoat knows what is going on in the family.
In conclusion, narcissistic parents do not love their children. Never. I have grown up with parents like that; both of my parents are narcissists. I have never experienced true, unconditional, proper, healthy parental love. It was dysfunctional from both sides. You are used as a trophy, an extension, a pawn. Any difference of opinion, any uniqueness, including your individuality, is belittled. You are humiliated for that, and they attack your growing and developing identity until they erase or suppress it.
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