When the narcissist realizes that leaving you was a mistake, they live in a world of their own. They really live up in their head and like to think that people are easily replaceable because they treat people like objects. Objects are replaceable; they have some monetary value, but if you break a chair, you can buy a new one. If you break a coffee mug, you can buy a new one. It’s not the end of the world. However, when you break and lose somebody who has been treating you well, who sincerely cared for you, who was willing to make sacrifices to make it work with you, and you take that for granted, you push it away to the point where that person just doesn’t have the ability to care anymore about the narcissist, that’s not easily replaceable. The person who gave that much to the narcissist is not easily replaceable.
But, of course, narcissists often forget this. They often learn this only after they’ve pushed a person or many people away. Narcissists don’t just push one partner away; they push people away generally. It’s just the way they operate. They make everything about them, using people to serve them. They don’t really see other people as independent human beings but rather as extensions of themselves. They lack the empathy to acknowledge the impact of their actions, behaviors, and words on others. In other words, because narcissists often need to project their anger and shame outwards, they often hurt other people in the process. The people they hurt the most are those closest to them. But they don’t care about leaving a trail of traumatized people behind them because they lack empathy.
When you keep traumatizing people, eventually, they’ll leave. They’ll walk away because they have no other choice. In the narcissist’s mind, they just think they’ll summon up somebody else who’s compatible with them. They want someone who’s submissive, willing to be an object of their negative projection, someone who supplies them with admiration and attention. However, they eventually realize that such people don’t just come in; they are not like a packet of M&M’s where you can get more whenever you want. Good supply is not infinitely available and is hard to come by because most people, once they notice the first few red flags, will say, “Actually, I don’t want to have anything to do with this person. I can see they’re toxic.”
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It’s really hard for narcissists to find people who can help meet their needs and actually stick around. It’s when the narcissist realizes that everything you gave them—your giving nature, your compassionate nature, your people-pleasing nature, which they exploited—was valuable, that they are forced to face reality. The reality in their head doesn’t match with reality in their physical experience. In their mind, they are super special, their ego is a mile high, and they think people are privileged just to be in their presence. They don’t think it matters if they abuse people because those people should feel grateful to be in the narcissist’s presence.
Narcissists think they can replace you easily, but when they struggle to find someone to fill the role you once played, they start to realize that it isn’t so great. For someone to actually stick around, there has to be a measured give and take, which narcissists don’t do. They only take and give a little at the beginning during the love-bombing phase to secure the person’s long-term supply. But it’s only a matter of time before they take exponentially more than they give, making it unsustainable for the other person.
Narcissists do reach a point where they feel the struggle and have to acknowledge that there isn’t an endless loop of people to fulfill their needs. Casual encounters are short-lived and don’t provide the good, sustainable supply that narcissists need. Even if they manage to get certain people into their orbit, those aren’t people who will stick around. When narcissists realize that having someone who would actually stick around and be their supply robot was a good thing, they start to struggle to fill that emptiness. One person who sustainably supports the narcissist is worth much more than 100 people who spend a short period of time with them and don’t want to give more.
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Narcissists might make you feel replaceable. They might make you feel that they’re onto someone who makes them happy. They are masters at perception management, molding your perception of them by manipulating how others see them. If they post pictures with others on social media looking happy, what that really means is they aren’t happy, but they are managing your perception. Understanding this can help you regain your self-worth after detaching from a narcissist. Knowing that you are worthy and not replaceable can help you move forward in a healthy and hopeful way.
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