I wish I had come across content on narcissistic abuse 20 years ago; it would have saved my life. I wish I had found your channel 15 years ago; it would have stopped me from making some major mistakes. I wish I had known I was dealing with a narcissist; it would have saved my relationship with my only child. These are the types of comments that I and other experts on narcissism receive. They are posted by survivors of narcissistic abuse who feel defeated by time and guilty for not knowing better because the signs in the early stages are quite subtle but recognizable. What are these signs? I’m going to share them with you in today’s episode. I’m going to equip you with knowledge that can save you from a great deal of pain, time, and financial loss.
Sign 1: You find yourself justifying their abusive behavior.
You blame it on their childhood or their lost relationship because you have been lied to. You have been told, “Oh, my ex was crazy,” or “My husband was abusive.” They have created a sense of obligation for you to be a better person for them. They have given you a responsibility—should I say, burdened you with the responsibility—to fix their life and heal them. You have unconsciously taken on that role. What does that do? Well, it forces you to justify their bad behavior, step into denial, and give them unnecessary space and chances they do not deserve. Whenever they do something inappropriate, unacceptable, and hurtful, you say, “Oh, it will get better. They just have mild anger issues; it’s fine. Maybe they’re upset. I did something bad to cause them harm.” What you see as temporary ends up becoming your permanent reality. In other words, abuse is the only thing you end up experiencing, and with time, things get worse. You know it. My advice to you would be: if somebody shows you their true colors, don’t change them in your mind. Don’t repaint them. If somebody shows they are red, don’t make it yellow. See them for who they are. Save yourself from their abuse and call it quits. Have a good list of your non-negotiables ready. The moment you feel violated is the moment you should say goodbye to them.
Sign 2: Ask the person, “Why do they love you?”
Sharing is caring!
This is a trick. You should ask the person why they love you. You will see it always comes back to them if they’re a narcissist. They may say things like, “Oh, you make me feel seen,” or “You make me feel accepted, understood. You make me feel heard; that’s why I love you.” Or, “You give me a lot of attention.” It’s always about what they get from you, not how they feel satisfied in the relationship or that they love you because of who you are, because of compatibility and your personality. For a narcissist, it’s always transactional; it’s always performance-based. So the answers will reveal the same: they will love you because of your performance, which is conditional and temporary. Now, you should be cautious with this one because trauma survivors can give you a similar answer, especially if they have not felt safe. They may say, “You make me feel safe.” So you should not look at this one thing in isolation. Instead, you should consider everything shared in this episode and that you know to check if things add up, to connect the dots, and see, “Okay, this is also another sign of their already existing selfishness.”
Sign 3: You start dreading their presence.
You feel drained after conversations because you can’t have one with them. You feel like you are always hitting a wall; you cannot get through. It always comes back to you—how it is your fault. You would rather sit in a car and wait for hours for them to leave, for you to cool down a little bit. Your car, a coffee shop, or a park becomes your safe space. That should not be the case. Why would you dread going to your own home? Why would you fear saying the wrong thing or being around the person who is supposed to be safe for you? That is the impact. Impact is always greater than intent. It does not matter how nicely they behave sporadically. You should focus on how you behave around them. If you’re walking on eggshells, that is your sign to leave.
Sign 4: You end up abandoning yourself to ensure they don’t abandon you.
Sharing is caring!
You abandon your friends and family because they do not want you to be around them. You do not talk to those who made you happy, who gave you a sense of connection. You shrink into a smaller version of yourself. You do not take part in activities that brought happiness, joy, and a sense of contentment into your life. You only do what pleases them. You start dressing down, cutting off people, and silencing yourself because you’re afraid of being who you truly are. You just cope. We call it “fawning.” You become what you think will keep them content or keep their abuse contained. That is not the way to live; that’s not a way to be. If you cannot be true to anyone without the fear of being judged, you are not loved.
Sign 5: You lose yourself.
You lose a bit of yourself every single day. You start developing weird mental and physical health issues: hypersensitivity to sound, exaggerated startle response, you cry all the time, you’re bitter to people, you’re irritated and agitated, people get on your nerves quite easily. You’re afraid; you’re always scrutinizing and interrogating yourself for saying the wrong thing. That’s not how relationships work. Your skin acts out, you have gut issues, unexplained nervous system-related issues, autoimmune disorders that you never had. You were perfectly okay, you were fine, you were healthy before meeting them, or at least things were not that bad. But all of a sudden, everything is falling apart. Your body is the biggest indicator of how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing with a person. It’s not your food, it’s not your environment, it is the toxicity that is coming from their rotten self. Take these signs very seriously and do not forget to join my upcoming workshop on betrayal trauma. The link is in the description. With that, let’s bring this episode to an end. Thank you so much. I’ll talk to you in the next one. Until then, let the healing begin and continue.
Sharing is caring!
