This is a trick. You should ask the person why they love you. You will see it always comes back to them if they’re a narcissist. They may say things like, “Oh, you make me feel seen,” or “You make me feel accepted, understood. You make me feel heard; that’s why I love you.” Or, “You give me a lot of attention.” It’s always about what they get from you, not how they feel satisfied in the relationship or that they love you because of who you are, because of compatibility and your personality. For a narcissist, it’s always transactional; it’s always performance-based. So the answers will reveal the same: they will love you because of your performance, which is conditional and temporary. Now, you should be cautious with this one because trauma survivors can give you a similar answer, especially if they have not felt safe. They may say, “You make me feel safe.” So you should not look at this one thing in isolation. Instead, you should consider everything shared in this episode and that you know to check if things add up, to connect the dots, and see, “Okay, this is also another sign of their already existing selfishness.”
Sign 3: You start dreading their presence.
You feel drained after conversations because you can’t have one with them. You feel like you are always hitting a wall; you cannot get through. It always comes back to you—how it is your fault. You would rather sit in a car and wait for hours for them to leave, for you to cool down a little bit. Your car, a coffee shop, or a park becomes your safe space. That should not be the case. Why would you dread going to your own home? Why would you fear saying the wrong thing or being around the person who is supposed to be safe for you? That is the impact. Impact is always greater than intent. It does not matter how nicely they behave sporadically. You should focus on how you behave around them. If you’re walking on eggshells, that is your sign to leave.
Sign 4: You end up abandoning yourself to ensure they don’t abandon you.
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