By the end of this article, you’re going to know exactly how to use the gray rock method with a narcissist so you can stop giving your power away and start enjoying more peace, confidence, and freedom. Let’s do it!
So let’s talk about how to use the gray rock method with a narcissist. Before we dive into the gray rock method specifically, there are a few key things that will be helpful to understand up front when it comes to dealing with people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism.
To begin with, people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism are not only highly manipulative and deeply unconscious, but the key thing to know is that they are empathy impaired, if not lacking in conscience entirely. In other words, their way of showing up in the relationship is going to be unhealthy, toxic, destructive, and sometimes even dangerous.
So the point I’m making is this: when we are enmeshed with someone with a destructive narcissist personality pattern in any area of our lives, they are not approaching the relationship with the same genuine, sincere intent that you or I would. Rather, they are looking at you as a commodity. We are a source of narcissistic supply for these individuals—emotional and energetic supply in addition to any other resource they can manage to siphon from you.
That’s right—people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism quite literally suck the vital life force energy from your very being while exploiting you in any other way they can manage to get away with. So know upfront that it’s all about what they can get from you, including emotional energy, again siphoning the very life force from your being. And one of their very favorite ways of doing this is by being provocative in their attitudes and behavior toward you.
They poke, provoke, prod, and poke some more in the hopes of getting a rise out of you—a reaction. Those of us who are a match to people with a destructive narcissist personality pattern, in particular those who would qualify as being high-spectrum destructive narcissists, tend to be highly empathic and codependent. We’re also carrying a certain amount of unresolved wounding and trauma, which is the match, so to speak, that keeps us in the game with these folks.
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In my opinion and experience, this is the magnetic force that draws us into these very unhealthy, toxic, destructive relationship dynamics. Because of our own unresolved wounding and trauma, we can be highly reactive. Therefore, we don’t have to be in a relationship with a destructive narcissist for very long before they’re adding to the pain and trauma that we already carry. So it’s the experience that boils down to stacking pain on top of pain on top of more pain.
As many of you already know, when you are on the receiving end of the kind of BS that a destructive narcissist will bring to the table—their manipulative ways, the lying, the gaslighting, the betrayal, the gossip and smear campaigns—naturally, you’re having very legitimate reactions and responses to what are often extremely inappropriate and unhealthy ways of thinking and behaving. Meaning you’re having what is actually a very rational and sane response to very irrational and insane attitudes and behavior.
Nonetheless, we often end up feeling like we’re the crazy ones, like there’s something wrong with us, and this is precisely how we play into the narcissist’s hands and cooperate as a source of narcissistic supply. The more highly reactive we are, the more we feed them that emotional and energetic supply that they quite literally get high on. Narcissists are high-conflict personality types because they literally feed off of the conflict and the drama, the pain and the shame that they deliberately stir up for whomever their chosen target happens to be. They literally get a kick out of this kind of power dynamic.
So know up front that this is who and what you’re dealing with—an energy vampire with deliberate and malevolent intent—and it’s your energy, through your emotional reactivity, that these sick puppies are after, using you as a source of greedy narcissistic supply if they think they can get away with it.
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In this article, I will teach you the easiest, fastest, most effective way to cut off that supply source, and how to do that is simply by using the gray rock method. Now, gray rock is ideal, especially when you’re in a situation where, for whatever reason, you’re unable to go no contact, or at least can’t do so right away.
The truth is when we’re talking about dealing with people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism, no contact is always going to be your best bet. But what’s also true is that it’s not always possible, and it’s certainly not always possible immediately. So what do we do in the meantime? Well, gray rock is a very effective method that you can use to take excellent care of yourself. It boils down to this: simply cutting off the source of narcissistic supply to the empathy-impaired emotional manipulator who has been targeting you.
It begins with a decision, making the firm decision that you are no longer going to be the source of supply to this energy vampire. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, certainly not the first time you try, but you can do it. It very well may take some practice, but it begins with a decision—a decision that says, “I am no longer going to be a source of supply to this toxic energy vampire. It’s time now to start taking better care of me.” Decide and then back yourself by following through, even if you do it imperfectly at first.
The goal is this: to literally become like a gray rock, hence the term the gray rock method. You want to look, act, and feel just like a gray rock when you’re in the vicinity of the narcissist who’s targeting you, meaning completely uninteresting, utterly boring, and flatline, cutting off the source of supply to the narcissist. This means no emotional reactions, no defending yourself, no explaining yourself, no justifying, no rationalizing, no dancing like a puppet on strings, no getting in the ring with them, and no trying to win the right fight.
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You will never win with these people, no matter how right you are, no matter how true, justified, and no matter what kind of mountains of evidence you have. You will never win with these people, not by engaging, so don’t go there. Go gray rock instead. The thing you have to remember is this: they are willing to do and say things you would never consider doing or saying just to win, just to be right, just to provoke a response from you.
So give up the illusion of having the last word, finally being heard, understood, validated, approved of, or even cared about by this person. They don’t care, not the way you do. They can’t. They aren’t wired that way. They simply do not have the equipment. Remember, empathy impaired and possibly even lacking in conscience entirely, depending on where they are on that spectrum. So stop expecting them to have your heart. They don’t have your heart. Instead, tell yourself the dirt honest truth about who and what you’re dealing with based on your experience. Stop hoping, wishing, and praying for things to change because it’s not going to happen. They don’t change.
Instead, do yourself a big favor and surrender to reality. Decide that you’re going to start taking better care of yourself now and stop slamming yourself against the brick wall that is this heartless soul who’s been driving you bananas. Surrender, accept that it is what it is, and go gray rock. Here’s the thing: by becoming boring and uninteresting, as uninteresting as you possibly can, by giving them zero, nada, in so much as you’re able, if you can’t give them nothing, if that’s not an option for whatever reason, then you give them as little as possible. For example, one-word responses, things like “Oh,” then silence. “Duly noted,” and not another word.
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In order to be able to use the gray rock method and do it well, it’s going to require some practice. So be willing to practice when the stakes are low and it doesn’t matter much, so that when the stakes are high and it does matter, you have some practice under your belt. What will be helpful is to consciously decide in advance that you will leave all emotion out of any exchange you have with them. All emotion. Put your business hat on and treat any exchange with them, no matter who they are, like it’s a business transaction—no emotion. This mindset will make it much easier to remain gray rock when they turn up the volume, which they will, in an attempt to get a rise out of you.
So expect that when you choose to use the gray rock method with a destructive narcissist, the volume on the nonsense will go up at first. Initially, they’ll probably be confused, and then when they aren’t getting the expected reaction out of you, they’re probably going to be pissed. Narcissists don’t like losing power and control. So initially, they might be taken aback a little bit by your new personal power and non-reactivity, and then they’re not going to like it, and it’s going to show. They’ll crank up the volume on whatever method they use to get the desired emotional response from you. Whatever it is that they typically do, you can expect it to get worse at first, maybe even a lot worse for a period of time before it gets better.
They will do and say whatever it takes to elicit a negative response from you. Why? Well, because any attention at all is what these folks are after, and negative attention is better than no attention for a narcissist. They’re like little children, right? Angry little children. So when they’re not able to affect that kind of power and control over you, they’re going to up the ante for a little while, and your job is to stand firm in your decision to take care of yourself. Keep breathing, hold on to yourself, stay calm, cool, and collected, no matter what. You have to say to yourself, “Do not give your power away.” Instead, stay committed to being as flat, boring, and uninteresting as possible. Don’t give any updates, no news, good or bad. You are neutral. No information, no ammunition, no energy, no attention, no response, or as little as possible. Just stay fully committed to being the gray rock in the room and leave your ego out of it.
Eventually, the narcissist is going to realize that this isn’t fun anymore, and then what happens is they’ll have to go somewhere else to get their hit, their fix, their source of supply. As a result, they leave you in peace.
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