Hitler, a man who needs no introduction, was a narcissistic psychopath. In his book, he describes the technique of the “big lie.” According to him, a big lie is a gross distortion or misrepresentation of the truth, primarily used as a political propaganda technique. He accused Jews of using this big lie technique, but it was a projection; in reality, he was the one who spread hatred by mass hypnotizing people, normalizing the hatred against them, isolating the group, and treating them as an entirely different race.
That was at a macro level, but what if I tell you the same dynamic repeats itself at a micro level in a narcissistic relationship? When a narcissist tells a big lie, they say something really bizarre and shocking. It’s not just an accusation; it could be a character assassination or personality disintegration. For example, they might say something as outrageous as, “Your mother does not want us to be together,” or “Your sister is crazy and has been trying to have an affair with me.” These statements are so bizarre and shocking that the brain struggles to believe they could be lies.
Our brain distorts the information, and unfortunately, we fall for their technique. To help you understand this evil technique better, I’ll use an example of three people: a mother, her daughter, and a son-in-law. The son-in-law is the narcissist, and he is slowly trying to separate his wife from her mother, whom he sees as a threat. He believes that if he allows his wife to stay in touch with her mother, he will be exposed. So he slowly disintegrates the relationship, brainwashes his wife, and she goes no contact.
I will explain this entire process step by step so that you understand how the big lie technique works. Another part you need to understand before I explain is half-truths. Narcissists always pick and choose elements to create a narrative that supports their lie. They pick and choose true information without context, connect the dots in their own delusional way, and spread that lie. Those who are unaware of the situation or do not try to understand what is actually going on just believe it and eat it up, and the narcissist wins.
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For example, the narcissist initially starts with, “Your mother is abusive. She neglected you. She abandoned you.” Why? “Well, she did not leave when she should have left. Your father was abusing you.” What he intentionally does is he just picks that bit of information which is true—that is the half-truth. She could not leave; yes, the father was abusive, and unfortunately, the child got exposed to it. But what he does not talk about is how the mother was desperately trying to find a way out, how she was financially dependent on the father and had to fight tooth and nail to get things together to find money and a way out. He doesn’t talk about that; he only talks about the bad aspect, which is undeniable.
Where does he get that information from? The information his wife shared with him in the beginning. After distorting the reality in this way, he tells the big lie. What is the big lie in this situation? “Your mother does not want us to be together. She is jealous of you. She does not want you to grow. She wants to keep you traumatized, and she is selfish.” This is a big lie. The daughter is flabbergasted, taken aback. “My own mother? How? No, it’s impossible. Come on.” No, there is an assumption here, or the condition is that this person who is telling the big lie is a psychologist, so it’s coming out of a professional’s mouth. “Your mother is abusive.” That is the big lie. What’s the foundation of it? “Oh, she did this, she did that.” Then, after that, he makes a suggestion. Then he creates the narrative that she is abusive, shocking the person. And then the suggestion is made because this person is in an emotionally volatile state. They are susceptible and vulnerable to taking in suggestions. The suggestion is, “You should go no contact with her. You should cut her off, or else we won’t be able to live a happy life.”
Then comes the next part, which is the impact. This daughter then chooses to go no contact with the mother without having any conversation whatsoever. She simply says, “Mom, I won’t be available to take your calls. I can’t allow you to see my kids because you caused a lot of damage back then, and I am going no contact with you for now. I will only text, that’s it.” The mother is shocked. She thought they were on good terms. She remembers all the things she tried to do right and apologizes. “What did I do wrong? I am extremely sorry. I know I was not the best mother, and unfortunately, you had to go through that abuse. I should have done more, but unfortunately, I couldn’t. Please don’t do this. I want you to be in my life. You are my daughter.” You need to understand this: this is not a situation where the mother is the narcissist. There is no “what” or “but” or “if.” In this given situation, the mother is not a narcissist. She tries to reach out, calls again out of desperation, anxious and panicking, not understanding what just happened. The narcissist then exaggerates the situation, suggesting, “See, this is what I told you. She is obsessive, she is compulsive, she is controlling. She wants to insert herself into our life. We can’t let that happen. I told you she is unhealthy. She doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t understand that you want some space, some distance. Had she been a good mother, she would have had no problem with letting you go. This is why I say you should just let her go.” What just happened there? The distortion of the truth. What was the big lie told? “Oh, she is obsessive, she is controlling.” There is no evidence for that. He is just using that part of information to justify his narcissistic thinking. He is doing that with the intention of separating the daughter from the mother for the reasons mentioned earlier.
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The daughter gets really angry and decides to cut off her mother completely, doesn’t respond to texts whatsoever, doesn’t talk, does nothing. Now the mother resorts to her only way of trying to establish a connection, which is to write letters. In these letters, she tries to remind the daughter of all the good things in the relationship, the nice moments, the good memories, trying to revive the positive emotions. The narcissist does not let her read these letters alone. The moment she receives them, the daughter, he sits there like the devil and talks to her, continuously brainwashing her, then picks and chooses the elements. Clearly, the mom is trying to remind her daughter of all the positive moments to convince her, “I’m not the monster. This is not as bad. I don’t understand. We have had a past, and all of a sudden, it’s gone. Please look at this. We still can have a relationship.” He says, “She is love-bombing you.” Distortion of the truth, a big lie. No basis whatsoever, no foundation whatsoever. In that moment, that illusion is cast. In that moment, he shapes the environment to make it seem like she is obsessive, she is love-bombing her, she is emotionally blackmailing her, reminding her of the past intentionally so that she keeps some form of relationship with the mother. But you and I both know that’s not the case. The mother is really desperate, and what the daughter does is instantly tears these letters into pieces, burns them, and she’s done.
After a couple of months, the mother tries to reach out to this daughter through a friend, a mutual friend, or a sibling. It could be anybody. Finally, the daughter says, “Okay, I’m fine. I can meet you.” Because the mother begs for it, says, “Please, please, okay, you don’t talk to me, but at least give me a chance. And this time, let’s have a private conversation. I deserve to have some time alone with you.” Because the mother knows she’s being brainwashed and wants to talk some sense into her and try to rebuild the relationship. But the narcissist knows, so that devil accompanies them during the entire meeting. The daughter does not get even a minute to breathe alone with the mother, let alone spending a minute with her. He is continuously putting his hand on her, on her head, on her neck, anywhere on her body. It’s like keeping a puppy on a leash, a dog on a leash. The mother-in-law requests a minute alone, “Let’s go and have a walk together.” “No, Mom, I’m not willing to talk about anything that does not include my husband. I mean, what is there to talk about? If you have to say something, just say it in front of both of us. He’s also a part of this family.” The mother loses instantly. She feels desperate but is unable to do anything about the situation.
That is how the narcissist establishes maximum control through running this propaganda, telling a big lie, using half lies to create a narrative, and by choosing and selecting these separate pieces of information and then tying them together to cast an image of the target that is untrue, thereby fooling all those who are part of the process, part of this collective gaslighting. He cleverly shapes the environment to convince his wife that her mother is narcissistic, something or somebody that she in reality is not. Anytime she tries to reach out, instead of letting her see it for what it is, a desperate attempt made by the mother to rekindle love, to reestablish a relationship, he reshapes it, twists the truth, and says, “See, this is what I’m talking about. This is what’s going on.”
He just speaks to her like a demon sitting on her shoulder. He does not allow her to think for herself. He suppresses her critical thinking, and she just becomes a host of the parasite, who she thinks is her friend, but in reality, he’s feeding off of her continuously.
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Then, unfortunately, what happens to the mother? She is left alone, totally isolated, with no relationship whatsoever with the daughter, and she’s left with nothing but grief. The example I gave you is the story of so many people, so many unfortunate parents that I have worked with. The same situation repeats itself in a different way. One parent, two parents, the child has been totally hijacked, overtaken by the narcissist. The child has gone no contact, and the only connection is the money. The narcissist is using the child, their partner, to get money, which is what we call abuse by proxy.
Then I tell them, and they ask me, “What do we do in this situation?” I say, “Unfortunately, you have nothing to do. You have nothing to lose anymore. You have lost everything when it comes to that relationship. It’s better to let go of those kids, of that connection, and cut off the money. They’re using you, and your daughter or son has to hit rock bottom to wake up and know what’s actually going on.”
So, we went into the depth and details of how a narcissist runs a massive foolproof propaganda using a big lie, the same technique used by Hitler, how he or she uses bits and pieces from all the information available to tie them together and create a narrative, and then tell the same lie again and again, again and again. He or she chooses to say or share half-truths and then ties their own narrative, whatever they’re suggesting others to believe, to say, “This is what’s going on,” and the reality is always the opposite of it.
How would you know? Do your research, go in deep, try to see what’s actually going on. Maybe there is more to it. Maybe there’s something that you do not know. Maybe there is an ulterior motive of this person. And if you are stuck with such a partner who is trying to isolate you from your loved ones, always question it. More so when your loved ones have been healthy. Yes, problems are everywhere in every family, but if it is a narcissistic situation, then that is an entirely different case. But if it was just a normal family where there were some problems, some issues, see how they are being reused and rehashed, and how that information is then put to use. That will give you the clue.
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