For example, the narcissist initially starts with, “Your mother is abusive. She neglected you. She abandoned you.” Why? “Well, she did not leave when she should have left. Your father was abusing you.” What he intentionally does is he just picks that bit of information which is true—that is the half-truth. She could not leave; yes, the father was abusive, and unfortunately, the child got exposed to it. But what he does not talk about is how the mother was desperately trying to find a way out, how she was financially dependent on the father and had to fight tooth and nail to get things together to find money and a way out. He doesn’t talk about that; he only talks about the bad aspect, which is undeniable.
Where does he get that information from? The information his wife shared with him in the beginning. After distorting the reality in this way, he tells the big lie. What is the big lie in this situation? “Your mother does not want us to be together. She is jealous of you. She does not want you to grow. She wants to keep you traumatized, and she is selfish.” This is a big lie. The daughter is flabbergasted, taken aback. “My own mother? How? No, it’s impossible. Come on.” No, there is an assumption here, or the condition is that this person who is telling the big lie is a psychologist, so it’s coming out of a professional’s mouth. “Your mother is abusive.” That is the big lie. What’s the foundation of it? “Oh, she did this, she did that.” Then, after that, he makes a suggestion. Then he creates the narrative that she is abusive, shocking the person. And then the suggestion is made because this person is in an emotionally volatile state. They are susceptible and vulnerable to taking in suggestions. The suggestion is, “You should go no contact with her. You should cut her off, or else we won’t be able to live a happy life.”
Then comes the next part, which is the impact. This daughter then chooses to go no contact with the mother without having any conversation whatsoever. She simply says, “Mom, I won’t be available to take your calls. I can’t allow you to see my kids because you caused a lot of damage back then, and I am going no contact with you for now. I will only text, that’s it.” The mother is shocked. She thought they were on good terms. She remembers all the things she tried to do right and apologizes. “What did I do wrong? I am extremely sorry. I know I was not the best mother, and unfortunately, you had to go through that abuse. I should have done more, but unfortunately, I couldn’t. Please don’t do this. I want you to be in my life. You are my daughter.” You need to understand this: this is not a situation where the mother is the narcissist. There is no “what” or “but” or “if.” In this given situation, the mother is not a narcissist. She tries to reach out, calls again out of desperation, anxious and panicking, not understanding what just happened. The narcissist then exaggerates the situation, suggesting, “See, this is what I told you. She is obsessive, she is compulsive, she is controlling. She wants to insert herself into our life. We can’t let that happen. I told you she is unhealthy. She doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t understand that you want some space, some distance. Had she been a good mother, she would have had no problem with letting you go. This is why I say you should just let her go.” What just happened there? The distortion of the truth. What was the big lie told? “Oh, she is obsessive, she is controlling.” There is no evidence for that. He is just using that part of information to justify his narcissistic thinking. He is doing that with the intention of separating the daughter from the mother for the reasons mentioned earlier.
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