I’m going to explain how things can get worse once a narcissist realizes that you understand their game. This is something important to grasp, as it can significantly affect your relationship with them.
Do Narcissists Know?
A common question I receive is: “Do narcissists know they’re narcissistic or difficult?” An even more pressing question is: “Do narcissists realize how insecure they are?” The answer is complicated, but it’s best summed up as “sort of.”
Narcissists aren’t completely oblivious or delusional. They can see the consequences of their actions and know that their behavior isn’t always acceptable. However, their impulsivity and sense of entitlement make it difficult for them to stop, and they don’t believe they should have to. It’s almost like they’ll explode if they don’t release their frustrations. This need for “tension reduction” drives their actions.
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Rationalizing Bad Behavior
Over time, they become aware that their behavior is causing problems, but they rationalize, justify, and defend it. Deep down, in a small corner of their mind, they know their actions are wrong. Sometimes, in therapy, they might admit that they can’t control themselves because it’s too uncomfortable to hold back. They know how absurd it would sound if they expressed their true thoughts: “Why can’t everyone just let me get away with what I say? I don’t really mean it; I just need to let it out. Life is unfair to me, and I always know what’s best. Why can’t everything go my way and let me have my tantrum?” They can’t openly say this, but it’s what’s happening internally.
There comes a crucial point in every narcissistic relationship when they realize that you’ve figured them out. It’s a subtle, almost imperceptible shift. You stop taking the bait, you resist the gaslighting, you gray-rock, and you no longer feel the need to defend or explain yourself. You may even carry yourself a bit taller because now you understand what’s going on. Perhaps you’re not putting yourself down as much, or you’re less anxious when they threaten to leave or talk about divorce.
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Escalation of Toxicity
This is when the relationship can become even more miserable. The narcissist senses that you’ve seen through their insecurity and figured out their game, and they don’t like it. When you start to gray-rock, it’s like a roller coaster—their rage escalates. They aren’t getting the usual reactions from you, so they get meaner and meaner, targeting your insecurities, mocking your friends, family, or even your job. The toxicity intensifies, and you didn’t think it could get any worse, but it does. However, if you stand your ground and resist breaking under pressure, eventually, the narcissist will start to deflate. They might get bored or lose interest, but reaching this point comes with a world of abuse, anger, and rage.
Narcissists’ Hyperawareness
If you thought things were bad before, they can become even worse once the narcissist senses that you “get it.” Despite their lack of empathy, narcissists are highly attuned to their surroundings, but only from an egocentric perspective. They constantly monitor for threats and are hyper-aware of any signs that they aren’t receiving the respect or validation they believe they deserve. They notice when people start seeing through them and begin to act differently around them.
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Pushing People to the Breaking Point
There comes a moment for every narcissist when they realize they’ve pushed someone too far—past the breaking point. When that person shuts down, it can be impactful, especially in situations like work. Narcissists often take their closest relationships, such as with family or partners, for granted and might not notice the shifts there. But when someone in their broader world, like at work, stops thinking highly of them, it activates their deep-seated shame.
The Shame Spiral
When narcissists sense that people are seeing through them and handling them cautiously, they don’t like it because it triggers their shame. Yet, they’re stuck in a catch-22 because, on some level, they know they’re unhinged. This creates a strange, frustrating loop. At this point, if you’re in a relationship with them, you may start to distance yourself emotionally and move toward indifference.
The Roadmap to Understanding
Understanding narcissism is like having a roadmap, which is why I started this channel. I want to show you all the subtle patterns so you can detect them. Think of my website as a narcissism GPS—once you see the pattern, you can make sense of it. It’s hard work breaking free from trauma bonds and other internal cycles, but once you see the truth, you start creating distance from the narcissist. They notice this shift and realize you’re no longer under their control.
The Fight for Control
The narcissist may respond with a wide range of behaviors—swinging between rage, trying to prove they’re a decent person, throwing insults, or acting passive-aggressively. Narcissistic relationships are all about control: controlling the image of the relationship, the people in it, the narrative, and their narcissistic supply. Once you understand what’s happening, they’ll try to control you even more, desperate to regain their grip. But now that you see through their tactics, they become destabilized, and their rage intensifies.
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The Inescapable Rage
There’s no escaping the rage. You might wonder if you can understand narcissism without provoking constant outbursts, but that’s unlikely. You’ll either grow tired of the relationship and leave, or if you can’t leave, you’ll make it very mechanical and perfunctory. Alternatively, you might hope they’ll leave or find a place to go when they tantrum because you won’t be listening to it anymore.
The Potential End
At some point, your presence will trigger so much shame that they’ll either try to destroy you with their rage or leave because being around you is too painful for them. Neither outcome feels good, especially if you’re unsure whether you want the relationship to end. It’s normal to feel conflicted—you might not want the relationship to end, even though you know it should. You may also wonder if you can understand the situation without them noticing your change in behavior, but again, that’s unlikely. Any shift in your behavior will be noticed.
Pathologizing Your Understanding
It’s frustrating because they didn’t notice you when you were crying or trying to get their attention. But the moment you make a small change in how much narcissistic supply you give them, they notice. Understanding narcissism is tricky, and your partner may pathologize you for the change, saying things like, “You’ve changed. You’re cold. You’re weird. You’re losing your social skills as you get older.” They’ll pathologize you for understanding them.
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Long-Term Benefits vs. Short-Term Pain
The very thing that will set you free—understanding narcissism—can make your life miserable for a while. In the long run, it’s a win, but in the short term, be prepared for it to be unpleasant.
The Power Shift
When you finally understand narcissism, you might feel like you’ve unlocked the secrets. But as your behavior changes, the narcissistic person in your life will notice, whether they’re a family member, partner, or coworker. They’ll realize you’re no longer confused or manipulated, and they’ll lose the power they once had over you. This loss of control frustrates them, and you’ll experience this as rage.
In the long run, understanding narcissism is healthier for you because it stops you from blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Once you unlock the code and see through their manipulative tactics, the relationship can feel unsatisfying, but at least you’re no longer living in constant confusion and invalidation.
I hope this helps. Thanks again.
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