Today, we are exposing the dangerous games played by covert narcissists. Covert narcissists are among the most insidious of all narcissistic personalities. Unlike their overt counterparts, who are often loud, arrogant, and visibly self-centered, covert narcissists are more subtle and harder to detect. They wear a mask of humility, sensitivity, or victimhood, making their manipulative behaviors difficult to spot until the damage is done.
Now, let’s get into the unmasking of the covert narcissist’s dangerous games. The first one we are going to discuss is the facade of innocence. One of the most deceptive aspects of a covert narcissist is their carefully constructed facade of innocence. They often present themselves as gentle, caring, and even self-sacrificing individuals. This facade is their primary tool for manipulating others and gaining sympathy. Covert narcissists will often play the victim, making others feel responsible for their emotional well-being. They may share stories about past traumas or hardships, subtly positioning themselves as fragile and in need of care. This tactic can disarm their targets, making them more likely to overlook or excuse the narcissist’s manipulative behavior. Always remember, covert narcissists love to manipulate and exploit people using guilt and pity. If you are concerned that a covert narcissist is involved in your life, pay attention to inconsistencies in their stories or behaviors. Do they often position themselves as the victim in every situation? Do they seem to derive pleasure from others’ sympathy? A constant need for validation through victimhood is a huge red flag.
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Next is feigning compassion and empathy. Covert narcissists are masters at pretending to be empathetic and compassionate when it suits their agenda. They might go out of their way to help others, especially if they’re in public or when others are watching, to craft an image of themselves as kind-hearted and selfless. However, this display is often hollow, driven by a need for admiration and approval rather than genuine concern. Usually, you will be able to feel that their empathy is inauthentic. If someone’s acts of kindness seem performative or are only shown in public, while they are cold or indifferent in private, they might be feigning compassion. True empathy is consistent and not limited to moments where it can be witnessed by others.
Next, they love playing the intellectual superior. Covert narcissists often present themselves as intellectually superior to others, subtly belittling the intelligence or ideas of those around them. They might do this by using complex language, quoting obscure references, or questioning others in a way that makes them feel inadequate or ignorant. This is a way of asserting dominance and maintaining control in relationships. If someone consistently makes you feel inferior or unintelligent, or if they always have to be the smartest person in the room, they may be using intellectual superiority to manipulate and control. This behavior often leaves others feeling belittled or doubting their own abilities.
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Next, they use triangulation and divide-and-conquer strategies. Covert narcissists often use triangulation to create discord and competition among people in their lives. This means they will often pit one person against another by spreading gossip or half-truths to create mistrust and rivalry. This allows them to maintain control and power by keeping others off balance and focused on each other rather than on the narcissist’s behavior. How do you recognize this game? If you notice that someone often talks negatively about others or shares information that seems intended to create conflict, they may be using triangulation. Be cautious about believing everything they say or consider discussing any concerns directly with the other parties involved. I often say, “Be careful what you hear about someone because you just might be hearing it from the problem.”
Next is the “poor me” game. Covert narcissists often employ the poor me tactic to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them, which provides them with narcissistic supply. They will exaggerate their struggles, play up their vulnerabilities, and paint themselves as helpless victims, which unfortunately can lead their targets to go out of their way to help, support, and defend the narcissist, even at their own expense. Again, remember they love to use guilt and pity to control other people. People generally do not want to be manipulated. If someone in your life consistently gives you the “poor me” narrative, take a closer look, as this is a big red flag. Also, if you find that someone’s advice or actions frequently lead to negative outcomes for you, consider whether they might be intentionally undermining you. Look for patterns of behavior that suggest they are more focused on maintaining power than genuinely supporting you.
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Next, be on the lookout for false humility and superiority. While overt narcissists are blatantly arrogant, covert narcissists often mask their superiority with false humility. They might downplay their achievements or feign modesty, all while seeking validation and admiration from others. This subtle form of superiority is designed to keep others in a position of inferiority without appearing overtly arrogant. Be on the lookout for someone who frequently makes self-deprecating comments but seems to enjoy it when others contradict them with praise. This pattern of false humility is often a way to fish for compliments and reinforce their sense of superiority.
Next is gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Gaslighting is the hallmark of narcissistic abuse, and covert narcissists are particularly skilled at it. They subtly distort reality to make their victims doubt their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. For example, they might insist that a conversation or event never happened, or that it occurred differently than the victim remembers. Over time, this tactic can erode the victim’s self-confidence and sense of reality, leaving them dependent on the narcissist for validation. If you find yourself consistently doubting your memory or questioning your judgment after interacting with someone, consider whether this person might be gaslighting you.
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Another dangerous game of the covert narcissist is their use of the silent treatment and passive aggression. Covert narcissists often use passive-aggressive tactics, like the silent treatment, to control and punish their victims. Instead of openly expressing their displeasure or anger, they withdraw affection or communication, leaving the target to guess what they did wrong. This silent treatment can last for days, weeks, or even months, creating significant anxiety and distress in the victim, who may become desperate to figure out what’s wrong or make amends. This is the goal of the covert narcissist: to reestablish dominance and control over the target. The silent treatment, in particular, is one of the crueler forms of manipulation and abuse tactics that covert narcissists use, leaving the target upset and desperate to resolve the situation. Remember, normal adults don’t go silent when there’s an issue or a problem; they openly communicate. If someone in your life gives you the silent treatment, take a closer look at this individual, as you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.
Emotional withholding is another game covert narcissists love to use. Emotional withholding is a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation where they withhold love, affection, approval, or emotional support as a way to punish or control their victim. By creating an emotional vacuum, the narcissist keeps their target in a state of longing and uncertainty, making them more dependent on the narcissist for emotional fulfillment. Normal people do not withhold love, affection, and emotional support from those they love. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are constantly seeking approval or affection that never seems to come, or if emotional support is only given on the narcissist’s terms, emotional withholding may be at play. This tactic is designed to keep you off balance and emotionally dependent.
Next, they love to exploit the insecurities of others. Covert narcissists are skilled at identifying the insecurities of others and using them to their advantage. They might bring up past failures, physical flaws, or other vulnerabilities at opportune moments to undermine their target’s confidence. By preying on these insecurities, they keep their victim feeling inadequate and dependent on the narcissist for validation. They may disguise their exploitation of your insecurities as a joke or even as concern, but don’t buy into that narrative. Anytime someone humiliates or embarrasses another human being, no matter how they present it, it is a big red flag.
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