By the end of this article, you’re going to know exactly what to say to a narcissist and how to say it in order to shut them down permanently.
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re actually dealing with an entitled, childish ingrate who lacks boundaries and has little, if any, empathy or conscience. You’re also facing a master manipulator who will go to extreme lengths, beyond what you can even fathom, just to get their way. Narcissists will do whatever it takes to win the right fight, appear as the hero or victim, and maintain their image.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
In most cases, it’s in your best interest to simply back away. Quietly, with no sudden movements, stay under the radar, and once you get away, stay away for good. This is always going to be your best bet with narcissists. But if for some reason that’s not an option, or you’re not quite ready, willing, or able to do so, here’s what you need to know.
1. Leave All Emotion Out of It
The first thing you need to do when dealing with a narcissist is leave all emotion out of it. Under no circumstances should you react to their provocations. Treat interactions with them like a business transaction, regardless of who they are. There is no room for emotion if your goal is to shut them down permanently.
Stay calm, cool, and collected—no matter what it takes. Focus on your breathing, remain in your body, and stay completely non-reactive. Underreact to the best of your ability. If you need to vent later, do it with a trusted friend or confidant, but in the moment, remain cold, detached, and unfeeling—just like they are.
2. Forget Reasoning
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Forget about reasoning with a narcissist, being heard, or getting your needs met—it’s not going to happen. You’re not dealing with a reasonable, rational adult. Instead, you’re dealing with a wounded, entitled, and manipulative individual who will go to great lengths to provoke you and get their way.
They lack a moral compass or conscience and will take actions that you or I cannot even imagine. The things they do and say are often shocking to us because they manipulate, play games, and leave out huge parts of the truth. So, forget about showing up with love, empathy, or better communication skills. None of that will work with a destructive narcissist.
3. Shut Them Down with Short, Succinct Responses
When it comes to shutting a narcissist down, use short, clear, and simple statements like:
- “No.”
- “No, thank you.”
- “I’m not available.”
- “Sorry, I can’t do that.”
- “I’m not interested, thank you.”
No is a full sentence. Practice delivering it with zero emotion. Be as detached and flat-lined as possible. After you say it, let silence take over. Get comfortable with uncomfortable silence. Say “No,” breathe, and let the silence land. Silence is powerful. It communicates that they have no control over you, and it makes the narcissist uncomfortable.
4. Silence is Your Best Tool
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Silence, followed by short, clear statements, will force the narcissist to realize they can’t get what they want from you. You can also use phrases like:
- “I understand.”
- “I hear you.”
- “I’ll get back to you.”
Follow it with silence. If you’re feeling brave, you can say, “That’s not going to happen,” and let the silence linger. The narcissist will unravel when they see they have no power over you.
5. Use Silence or Detach Completely
If possible, go straight to silence. Not in a passive-aggressive way like a covert narcissist would, but in a way that says, “I’m not easy prey.” Become uninteresting, unaffected, and unfazed. The goal is to diffuse the intensity and avoid escalating the situation. If possible, avoid inflicting a narcissistic injury, which can provoke narcissistic rage.
6. Be Prepared to Defuse the Situation
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Narcissists want to trigger an emotional reaction from you. Be prepared to say things like:
- “Fine, you’re entitled to think that.”
- “You’re entitled to feel that way.”
By doing so, you avoid engaging with their toxic behaviors and starve them of the narcissistic supply they crave. When they see that they can’t get a reaction, they’ll realize you’re not a good source of supply.
7. Use “I” or “We” Language
In conversations with narcissists, avoid using “you” language. Instead, use “I” or “we” language, which keeps things neutral and less confrontational. Say things like:
- “I feel uncomfortable with that.”
- “We can revisit this later.”
This minimizes the narcissist’s ability to feel attacked or escalate the conversation, making it easier to shut them down.
Conclusion
Remember, when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re interacting with someone who thrives on emotional reactions and manipulation. Your best tools are detachment, silence, short responses, and maintaining control over your own energy. By following these strategies, you can shut down a narcissist permanently and prevent them from having power over you.
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