In today’s article, I’m talking about the things a man would need to hear from a female covert narcissist after a breakup to help them resolve cognitive dissonance and break the trauma bond. I will also explain why, in a million years, you will never hear these admissions from your narcissistic ex. I also want to give special thanks to the anonymous contributor who shared his insights about his experiences with a female covert narcissist. I’ve adopted and included many of his reflections in this article, which, by the way, is part one of two. Part two will be posted next week.
These are the things you will not actually hear from a female covert narcissist in reality, and I’ll explain why.
1. They Won’t Recognize Their Toxic Patterns
In this ideal, imaginary world where a narcissist could see themselves as they truly are, they might say something like:
“In the beginning of our relationship, I love-bombed and sex-bombed you, just as I’ve done with all my past partners. I made you believe that you were the love of my life, my soulmate, the one and only. I wanted to believe it too, but deep down, I knew it was all part of my toxic relationship patterns and that all you would ever get from me was an inescapable nightmare.
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The truth is, I have a proven track record of being incapable of an honest and authentic relationship. I just don’t feel love like others do. I am pre-programmed to see myself as a victim and to destroy you when you inevitably fail to meet my unrealistic expectations. It’s a tragic cycle, and I hope you can find a way to break free from the illusion that I could ever provide the genuine connection and love you deserve. Don’t let your addiction to me ruin your future opportunities to be happy.”
While such an admission would be incredibly helpful, as it would make you realize a narcissist’s behavior is not personal but part of a destructive pattern, in reality, they will never admit to their toxic patterns. Even if they were aware of them, this would require facing uncomfortable truths about themselves, which challenges their facade of perfection and superiority. The important takeaway is that their inability to sustain a genuine, healthy relationship is a result of their disorder and has little to do with you. This understanding can help you detach from self-blame, stop rumination, and allow you to move forward.
2. Admitting Their Self-Centered Nature
In this fantasy world, it would be healing to hear something like:
“Once you were addicted to me, I had you where I wanted you. You’d do just about anything to get my love and approval. All I had to do was pull away, express disappointment, make you feel guilty, or tug on your empathy strings, and you would jump at the opportunity to cater to my five indulgent selves: selfishness, self-absorption, self-centeredness, self-importance, and self-service. I was always happy to take and receive with a sense of entitlement, but I conveniently dismissed your needs and disappeared when it was time to give back.”
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Of course, a narcissist will never admit this because it would shatter their helpless victim identity and threaten their control over you. Understanding that narcissistic behavior is rooted in a deep-seated need to manipulate and dominate others can help you see that their actions are about sustaining their self-esteem and fulfilling their needs without regard for your well-being.
3. Acknowledging Their Lack of Empathy
In this make-believe world, you might hear:
“For just a moment, I’ll try to sincerely put myself in your shoes and imagine what it must have felt like to be strung along for such a long period in such a chaotic and one-sided relationship. But wait—I can’t feel any empathy, especially toward men I’m romantically involved with. Of course, I’m good at acting like I care to keep my mask intact, but any empathy I genuinely feel is reserved for me, myself, and I.”
You will never hear this from a narcissist because acknowledging their lack of empathy would force them to confront the false image they’ve constructed of themselves as endlessly misunderstood victims. Understanding that they lack the capacity for true empathy, guilt, or remorse can help you let go of expecting them to change.
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4. Apologizing for Poor Behavior
This apology might sound like:
“I admit I lied and deceived you throughout our relationship. When you tried to confront me, I used defense mechanisms to avoid accountability and keep you loyal. The truth is, I never had any loyalty to you. I saw you as replaceable and disposable, a servant who would let me get away with anything as long as I maintained my intricate web of lies and cover-ups. You didn’t deserve to be treated so badly, but because of my disorder, I easily justified my actions.”
A narcissist won’t own up to their deceit, whether it’s instinctive or malicious. Understanding their web of deception helps you see that the relationship was built on lies, not love, and that your sense of obligation was misplaced.
5. Admitting to Gaslighting
In this hypothetical world, the narcissist might say:
“Yes, I manipulated situations to confuse you, made you doubt yourself, and ensured my needs were always prioritized. I made you feel like you were at fault even when you weren’t. Sometimes, I secretly messed with your things to make you think you were losing your mind. I smiled and acted like everything was fine, even when I was plotting against you.”
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But there’s no chance you’d hear this in reality. A narcissist will deny gaslighting you to preserve their flawless self-image. Instead, they will continue to deny and find ways to support their distorted narrative. Understanding the depth of their manipulation helps you let go and prioritize your own well-being.
Stay tuned for part two of this article, which will be released next week.
What Narcissists Do When A Relationship Ends
How does a covert narcissist devalue their partner?
The Aging Narcissist… What To Expect As They Get Older
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