We’ve all found ourselves in conversations where we feel attacked. What begins as a simple discussion can quickly devolve into a misrepresentation of our words, leaving us frustrated, disrespected, and sometimes even acting contrary to our true selves. The recent interview between Cathy Newman and Jordan Peterson provides an intriguing case study on how to effectively handle subtle conversational tricks used to undermine confidence and assert dominance.
Recognizing the Signs of a Conversational Bully
To stop a conversational bully in their tracks, it’s crucial to recognize their tactics before it escalates beyond your control. Typically, an aggressive attitude is revealed through tone and word choice early on in the conversation. For instance, in the interview, when Newman implies that Peterson has done something wrong by asking him to “admit” something, it signals her confrontational stance. This sets the stage for her subsequent questions, which often carry an accusatory tone. If someone asks, “What do you have to say for yourself?” be prepared; this individual likely believes you’ve erred and is setting a trap, not just seeking clarification.
Common Tactics: The “So-You’re-Saying” Trap
One particularly common tactic is what I like to call the “so-you’re-saying” trap. For instance, Newman asks, “So you’re saying women have some sort of duty to help fix the crisis of masculinity?” This statement oversimplifies Peterson’s nuanced position and attempts to frame his argument in a way that can be easily attacked. A straightforward way to counter this tactic is to assertively clarify: “What I was saying is…” and then restate your original point. This method not only reinforces your message but also directs the conversation back on track, diminishing the effectiveness of the trap.
The Hidden Presupposition Technique
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Another insidious technique involves embedding presuppositions within questions. For example, Newman asks, “Why should women put up with those reasons?” This implies that Peterson believes women should endure certain situations, regardless of his actual stance. The trap here is that many people fall into the habit of answering the question directly, inadvertently arguing for a position they do not hold. Instead, it’s essential to identify the hidden presupposition and call it out. Peterson skillfully navigates this by responding, “I’m not saying they should put up with it. I’m saying that the claim—” effectively redirecting the conversation and clarifying his viewpoint.
The Smash Technique
The “smash technique” is another form of conversational bullying where disparate terms are combined to confuse the argument. A striking example occurs when Newman states, “Quit the abuse. Quit the anger.” By merging two very different concepts—abuse and anger—she creates a compound question that puts pressure on Peterson to respond quickly. This tactic can catch anyone off guard, making it easy to overlook the nuance of each term. The best way to handle this is to slow down the conversation and tackle one point at a time. Peterson exemplifies this approach when he suggests, “Let’s just go to the first question; those both are complicated questions.” By doing this, he maintains control of the dialogue and addresses each concern thoughtfully.
Persuasion Strategies in Tough Situations
Though Peterson wasn’t necessarily trying to change Newman’s mind, his approach offers several valuable lessons for engaging in tough conversations:
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Avoid Straw Man Arguments: Resist the temptation to create a caricature of the other person’s ideas, even if they are doing it to you. Instead, engage with their actual points to foster a more productive dialogue.
Use Concrete Examples: Abstract arguments benefit immensely from relatable imagery. For instance, Peterson discusses the inevitability of structural continuity in animals and humans over time, which may be intellectually valid but lacks emotional weight. He enhances his point by adding relatable examples: “That’s so long that a third of a billion years ago, there weren’t even trees; it’s a long time.” This kind of imagery makes complex ideas more accessible and engaging.
Highlight Common Ground: Demonstrating shared beliefs can turn a combative exchange into a more collaborative discussion. Peterson effectively shows Newman that they agree on the importance of free speech. Rather than arguing against her, he frames the conversation in a way that acknowledges their mutual values.
Stay Relaxed and Composed: Maintaining a relaxed posture helps signal to your brain that you’re in control of the situation. This can mitigate the frantic energy that often accompanies confrontational exchanges. Peterson’s calm demeanor throughout the interview allows him to think more clearly and respond more effectively.
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Take Your Time: Pausing before responding can give you the necessary space to think critically about the question and formulate a well-rounded answer. This practice helps prevent the conversational bully from rushing you into an unconsidered response.
Address Emotional Concerns: Often, beneath the surface of a challenging conversation lies an emotional concern. In Newman’s case, there’s an underlying feeling that Peterson is her adversary. By identifying and addressing these shared concerns, a more constructive dialogue can emerge, reducing the combative nature of the exchange.
Conclusion
By understanding the tactics employed by conversational bullies, you can better navigate difficult discussions, maintain your composure, and ultimately earn respect. Recognizing these strategies and employing effective countermeasures enables you to engage more productively and assertively. The key takeaway from the Peterson and Newman interview is that you don’t have to accept the framing of the conversation; instead, you can guide it back to a more reasonable and respectful exchange. If you have thoughts or experiences to share, feel free to leave a comment below! Engaging in dialogue about these techniques can further enrich our understanding of effective communication.
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