If you have a narcissist in your life, I have no doubt you are feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, manipulated, and tired of the constant scheming. Navigating such a relationship can be incredibly challenging, but today, I want to share some tactics that can help you feel a bit more at ease—well, perhaps not completely at ease, but at least more grounded in your interactions with the narcissist. Whether the narcissist is a parent, friend, co-worker, partner, or sibling, these tips can be invaluable for managing the relationship more successfully.
Tip One: Accept That They Are Unlikely to Change.
This is the first and most crucial step. Many of you know I was a psychotherapist for 20 years, helping people with boundaries, difficult relationships, and anxiety. One of my clients once shared a piece of dating advice she received: to put “as is” on a person’s forehead. This concept is brilliant and should be applied not only in dating but to anyone, especially narcissists. Remember, if a person has a personality disorder, their behavior is pervasive and unlikely to change. So, when interacting with them, keep in mind that you are dealing with them as they are, not as you hope they will become.
Tip Two: Don’t Take Anything Personally.
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The narcissist will compliment you and make you feel good when it serves their interests, but they will also criticize and belittle you when it benefits them. Their actions and words often have nothing to do with you; rather, they reflect their own insecurities and needs. If you can detach yourself emotionally from their words—both the positive and the negative—you will find it easier to maintain your self-esteem. Remember that narcissists often project their feelings onto others, so if they ever accuse you of being a narcissist, it’s likely because they feel threatened or insecure.
Tip Three: Protect Yourself.
When in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, it’s vital to establish strong boundaries. These boundaries are essential for protecting yourself emotionally, physically, and even legally. Keep in mind that while your boundaries may not change their behavior, they can shield you from their manipulations. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to dismiss or deflect any attempts at discussing boundaries. I once worked with a woman whose family member was taking loans out in her name and signing her name on documents without her consent. She was reluctant to take legal action against him and instead tried to reason with him, but he completely ignored the severity of his actions. If someone’s behavior crosses a line, don’t hesitate to take necessary legal steps; narcissists often don’t recognize that their actions are harmful.
Tip Four: Believe Behavior, Not Words.
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A valuable lesson I learned from a counselor was to focus on behavior rather than words. Narcissists can be incredibly persuasive with their words, promising change and improvement, but their actions often tell a different story. If we place too much importance on what they say rather than what they do, we risk remaining confused and trapped in a cycle of unmet expectations. This principle applies to everyone, but it’s particularly poignant in relationships with narcissists. Additionally, reflect on your own behavior: if you say you won’t tolerate certain actions but continue to accept them, your behavior will communicate something entirely different.
Tip Five: Validate Your Own Needs.
Finally, it’s crucial to validate your own emotions and not seek validation from the narcissist. When we feel down or want to explain our feelings to them, it’s likely they won’t genuinely understand or empathize. Shifting your focus toward a support system that acknowledges your needs is essential. Learn to validate your own feelings and desires, as this will help you move toward healing and reinforce your self-worth.
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