What is narcissism?
When we talk about the pattern of narcissism, we refer to what textbooks tell us: narcissism is defined by selfishness, entitlement, and a low level of empathy. Narcissists want to be in control and feel superior, operating with a false self-image. These are some defining features of narcissism. But as we explore further, there are many other adjectives that describe these individuals, such as stubborn, closed-minded, argumentative, and impatient.
However, if I were to choose one descriptor of narcissism that best illustrates why it’s so difficult to deal with, it would be intolerance. Narcissists are extremely unwilling to accept individuals with beliefs, preferences, or interpretations of life that differ from theirs. When I say intolerance, I’m referring to their strong black-and-white thinking, where they believe, “You must agree with me.”
There are two types of people narcissists are most intolerant of, and I want you to consider where you fall within these categories. First, narcissists are intolerant toward people who represent diversity. I’m not just talking about diversity in ethnicity or gender but in opinions, values, lifestyle choices, and even small behaviors, like how someone manages their time or what they find humorous. For narcissists, diversity is intolerable because it challenges them.
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The second type of person a narcissist cannot tolerate is the truth-teller. When someone steps up to them and says, “You’re in the wrong,” or points out their misinterpretation or insensitivity, narcissists become highly defensive. Truth is a threat to them because they are deeply invested in being right, in being the standard-bearer of correctness. They cannot handle someone pointing out their mistakes or presenting an alternative perspective.
These two types of people are a challenge for narcissists. They view diversity as a rejection and refuse to tolerate individuals who force them to step outside of their comfort zones. Narcissists are transactional—they engage with others only to the extent that those people prop up their biases. When someone reveals differences, the narcissist interprets it as a personal attack, and they react with criticism, imperatives, judgment, and even ridicule.
Ultimately, narcissists are not capable of genuine love. Love requires laying down one’s ego, allowing for freedom, patience, kindness, and acceptance of others’ frailties. Narcissists cannot do this because their relationships are based on conformity to their standards, not mutual respect and care. They will not tolerate those who speak truth or live out love because, at their core, narcissists embody an anti-love mindset.
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If you are someone who embraces diversity or speaks truth, a narcissist will not be able to tolerate you. But remember, this is their deficiency, not yours. Healthy relationships are built on a balance of being both right and kind. Narcissists lack this balance, but you can move on and surround yourself with more tolerant individuals who offer the acceptance and peace you deserve.
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