Growing up with a covert narcissist mother often involves competition, minimized needs, and blame, leading to persistent feelings of guilt. However, the impact goes much deeper. I’ll outline six traits of a covert narcissist mother and their effects on you. A covert narcissist is often hidden and not easily recognized, which can leave you feeling isolated. You may see the traits while others do not, creating confusion and self-doubt that can be more intense than with an overt narcissist.
In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve encountered many individuals raised by covert narcissist mothers. I’ve observed that these mothers often choose one child, typically the most empathetic, as their primary source of emotional supply. This dynamic can lead to extreme behaviors directed at that child, often unnoticed by others in the family. Additionally, the mother’s partner may deny or minimize her behavior, contributing to a toxic environment.
Trait 1: Playing the Victim
One prominent trait of a covert narcissist mother is her tendency to play the victim. She may claim, “I did this for you” or “I sacrificed for you,” all while sabotaging you in other ways. For instance, I once worked with a client whose mother would give her diet pills disguised as gifts, portraying it as caring. If my client expressed discomfort, family members would side with the mother, believing she only wanted what was best for her child.
continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
Trait 2: Refusal to Accept Responsibility
Covert narcissist mothers rarely admit wrongdoing. Any conflict is attributed to you, creating confusion, especially in young children who idolize their parents. If you grow up being told that everything is your fault, you internalize the belief that there’s something wrong with you.
Trait 3: Preoccupation with Image
These mothers are often obsessed with projecting a perfect image. They want to be seen as the ideal mom, and if you don’t align with that image, you become the “bad” child. This discrepancy between public persona and private reality can be deeply confusing for a child.
Trait 4: Vindictiveness
Covert narcissist mothers can be vindictive and cruel toward anyone who opposes them. As a child, you learn to be cautious. A client I worked with felt isolated because her mother would portray her as the problem in front of others. Confrontation often leads to severe backlash.
continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
Trait 5: Pathological Lying
Narcissists, including covert ones, are often pathological liars. Their lies are crafted to make them appear superior while putting you down. This undermines trust in your own perceptions and experiences, leading to confusion and self-doubt.
Trait 6: Demanding Assurance and Admiration
Finally, covert narcissist mothers often demand admiration and emotional support from their children, especially the one they’ve chosen as their supply. This dynamic teaches you to prioritize your mother’s feelings over your own, leading to negative core beliefs about your worth.
Growing up with a covert narcissist mother is emotionally abusive, even if it doesn’t manifest as physical harm. Many individuals do not recognize the trauma they’ve endured, but healing is possible. You can work towards understanding and changing those ingrained beliefs, ultimately fostering a healthier self-image.
How To Be Calm With a Narcissist | Step by Step
2 People Narcissists Cannot Tolerate
Sharing is caring!
