Today, we’re talking about narcissistic mothers and the four evil things they teach their children. I’m a firm believer that every mother is a good example—yes, you heard me right. Every mother is a good example, either of what to be and imitate, or of what not to be and what to avoid imitating. That’s exactly what we’re going to talk about today because narcissistic mothers are a perfect example of what you never want to be.
Not only are we going to discuss the four evil things that narcissistic mothers teach their children, but at the end of this article, we’ll also talk about tools and methods to overcome the harmful behaviors that have been ingrained and hardwired into us. The four evil things narcissistic mothers teach are disdain (a feeling of contempt or scorn), disgust (a feeling of strong disapproval), contempt (the feeling that something or someone is worthless), and envy (the feeling of wanting what someone else has).
Now, the first three—disdain, disgust, and contempt—are very similar, and we’ll later explore how they’re different. However, the one thing they have in common is that they leave a child with a deep-rooted sense of self-loathing (a strong dislike or hatred for oneself).
There’s a saying: “That child has a face only a mother could love.” This expression suggests that even if no one else in the world loves us, it’s common to believe that our parents will. Children naturally assume that their parents, who provide for them—offering food, shelter, and rules—must love them. But why, then, does a child of a narcissistic parent often feel so much self-hatred?
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This is where the confusion begins. If a child confronts a narcissistic parent by saying, “I don’t feel like you love me,” the narcissistic parent will make the child feel foolish for even thinking such a thing. They’ll make the child feel ashamed, pointing out all the physical or material things they provide as proof of love. However, the child’s emotional needs are often ignored. What the child doesn’t realize is that they are suffering from emotional starvation (the lack of emotional care and attention), and the narcissistic parent does not validate these emotional needs.
Because the child is made to believe they are loved, they begin to wonder, “Why do I feel so bad?” I’ll explain why and how this happens. Narcissistic parents consistently project (unconsciously transfer) their negative emotions onto their children. They feel contempt, disgust, and disdain within themselves and project these feelings onto their child. But children don’t understand projection—they absorb those negative emotions and assume they are to blame.
Another reason children are confused is that the narcissistic parent rarely uses words like “hate,” “disgust,” or “contempt.” Instead, they imply these feelings indirectly, for example, by saying, “How could you do such an awful thing? What kind of person does something like that?” These questions may seem harmless, but they imply that the child is awful or worthless. When the punishment for a minor mistake is overwhelming, the child internalizes these feelings of self-hatred.
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In some cases, a narcissistic parent will say things like, “I love you because you’re my child, but I don’t like you as a person.” This is devastating to a child because the message they receive is that while the parent feels obligated to love them, they don’t actually like them or value them as a person. This kind of language causes a child to develop deep self-loathing.
The fourth evil thing narcissistic mothers teach their children is envy. There are two types of envy. One is when the parent feels envious of the child, trying to compete with them. For instance, if a child expresses interest in a career or relationship, the parent may mimic or try to outdo the child. The other type of envy happens when a narcissistic mother constantly compares her child to others, saying things like, “So-and-so’s daughter does this and that. They are so lucky.” This kind of comparison makes the child feel like a failure, as though their parent’s unhappiness is their fault.
If you’ve experienced these things, you might wonder how to break free from the emotional damage caused by a narcissistic mother. It’s possible to overcome the toxic shame (a deep-seated sense of worthlessness) that has been hardwired into you. Here’s where to start:
- Recognize that you’ve always been enough. Your mother’s misery, disdain, and envy were never about you—they were about her.
- Differentiate who you are from who the narcissist wanted you to believe you were. Narcissistic parents often cause us to view ourselves negatively, but those feelings don’t reflect the truth. Start paying attention to your thoughts and your inner critic (the negative voice in your head). Identify the negative beliefs you’ve absorbed, such as the belief that you’re unlovable, and challenge them. Are they true? Most likely, they are not.
- Focus on the positives. Every day, reflect on three things you like about yourself. These don’t have to be huge achievements—they can be small things like kindness, patience, or handling a situation well. By focusing on these, you start to break the habit of only seeing the negative.
As children, we didn’t know how to cope with the emotional challenges of a narcissistic parent, but now as adults, we have the power to make choices. Doing nothing is still a choice—it’s a choice to remain stuck in the negativity and victimhood caused by a narcissistic parent. Don’t choose that path. By developing self-love (a genuine appreciation for oneself), self-compassion (understanding and being kind to oneself), and self-respect (valuing yourself), you can break free from the toxic shame and start living a life that reflects your true worth.
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