In some cases, a narcissistic parent will say things like, “I love you because you’re my child, but I don’t like you as a person.” This is devastating to a child because the message they receive is that while the parent feels obligated to love them, they don’t actually like them or value them as a person. This kind of language causes a child to develop deep self-loathing.
The fourth evil thing narcissistic mothers teach their children is envy. There are two types of envy. One is when the parent feels envious of the child, trying to compete with them. For instance, if a child expresses interest in a career or relationship, the parent may mimic or try to outdo the child. The other type of envy happens when a narcissistic mother constantly compares her child to others, saying things like, “So-and-so’s daughter does this and that. They are so lucky.” This kind of comparison makes the child feel like a failure, as though their parent’s unhappiness is their fault.
If you’ve experienced these things, you might wonder how to break free from the emotional damage caused by a narcissistic mother. It’s possible to overcome the toxic shame (a deep-seated sense of worthlessness) that has been hardwired into you. Here’s where to start:
- Recognize that you’ve always been enough. Your mother’s misery, disdain, and envy were never about you—they were about her.
- Differentiate who you are from who the narcissist wanted you to believe you were. Narcissistic parents often cause us to view ourselves negatively, but those feelings don’t reflect the truth. Start paying attention to your thoughts and your inner critic (the negative voice in your head). Identify the negative beliefs you’ve absorbed, such as the belief that you’re unlovable, and challenge them. Are they true? Most likely, they are not.
- Focus on the positives. Every day, reflect on three things you like about yourself. These don’t have to be huge achievements—they can be small things like kindness, patience, or handling a situation well. By focusing on these, you start to break the habit of only seeing the negative.
As children, we didn’t know how to cope with the emotional challenges of a narcissistic parent, but now as adults, we have the power to make choices. Doing nothing is still a choice—it’s a choice to remain stuck in the negativity and victimhood caused by a narcissistic parent. Don’t choose that path. By developing self-love (a genuine appreciation for oneself), self-compassion (understanding and being kind to oneself), and self-respect (valuing yourself), you can break free from the toxic shame and start living a life that reflects your true worth.
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