I want to help you understand what you can do to end the silent treatment forever. Sometimes, we wish or think that the other party would change so things could go well. And guess what? It would be nice if that happened, but they don’t. There comes a point when we realize this person has such a long track record that hoping for change at this moment would be part of denial — denying what’s really happening.
The truth is, if we want change to happen, it has to start with us. I’m not putting the blame on victims at all, but what I had to come to terms with was that the only person I could change was myself. Until I did that, everything happening in my relationships was going to continue. Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting change. We have to realize this in narcissistic relationships.
Rather than hoping that the narcissist will stop the silent treatment forever, put that thought aside and realize that it is in your power to stop the torment of the silent treatment forever. I’m going to help you do that today, and it involves recognizing two things.
The first thing we need to recognize is that when we beg, plead, try to make peace, or apologize, we have to know what our motive is — and we have to know what the narcissist’s motive is. Our motive is obviously to end that toxic dynamic of treating somebody as if they don’t exist. What we don’t realize is that we’re doing exactly what the narcissist wants. Their motive is to feed off your drama.
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They could be doing this for a number of reasons — maybe they didn’t like what you said, or maybe they didn’t like being called out for something. Or maybe they’re just bored, and things have been too quiet, so they need some kind of drama. There could be many reasons why they begin the silent treatment, but their motive is to feed off your emotions. When we make efforts to make peace and apologize, we think the other person will appreciate it. We expect them to think, “Oh wow, they want peace, so let’s have peace.” After all, doesn’t everyone want that? Narcissists, however, are almost allergic to peace, happiness, and healthy love — they run from it. They don’t think the way other people do. When someone apologizes to me, I think, “Oh wow, they feel bad for what they did. That makes me feel better; at least they didn’t mean to hurt me.” But narcissists don’t think like that. When someone apologizes to them, they think, “See, I was right. That’s an admission of guilt.”
With a narcissist, everything you say can and will be used against you, even an apology. The other thing we want to understand is that the narcissist is on a huge power trip when you allow yourself to feel tortured. If we could peer inside their mind (not a pretty place), we would hear thoughts like, “Wow, I must be really important. Look at how much he or she is suffering just because I’m not giving them attention. It’s been six days, and they just get worse. They need me like the air they breathe; they’re withering without me. I’m amazing.”
That’s a glimpse into the narcissist’s mind during the silent treatment. If you think crying will touch their heart, it won’t. If you think pleading will get through, it won’t. If you think showing your suffering will touch their empathy, it won’t. You’re not dealing with a person who has empathy, which is why the silent treatment drags on.
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Once we realize that, we get to the second part of stopping the silent treatment forever, which has to do with us. Many of us continue to feel tortured, allowing ourselves to be in anguish, begging and pleading because we have the wrong thought: “I need this person to approve of me, to love me, to show me I’m likable, lovable, and a good person.” I didn’t consciously think that way, but my actions showed it.
When you’re raised in an environment where you’re taught your value comes from external validation, you don’t know anything else. It’s subconscious programming. That was my programming, and I was carrying it out without even realizing it.
Now, the truth is, everyone should want their significant other to value them, to see their worth, to love and cherish them. But we don’t need that to know we are valuable, beautiful, and amazing people. I didn’t know that at the time. I found it hard to feel valuable when the person I was in a relationship with treated me as if I were dead. Their view of me became my view of me. I was super codependent, relying on that person’s approval and love to feel worthy.
When you recognize that your subconscious programming is leading you to act in a way that’s not working for you, you can stop it — even before the next silent treatment comes your way. I challenge you to start generating your own self-love. Begin feeding your own self-worth, self-confidence, and self-value, instead of feeding the narcissist’s desire for your emotions, which leaves you drained.
When the silent treatment comes next time, do these three things:
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- Observe, don’t absorb. Notice it. “Oh, there’s the silent treatment again.” Remember why they’re doing it: they want your emotions, your drama, your pain. Decide not to give them that.
- Respond without reacting. You don’t have to beg or plead. They’re allowed to be quiet if they want, but you’re allowed to stay healthy and engage in empowering behaviors. You can say, “It looks like you don’t want to talk right now, and that’s fine.”
- Focus on what you need, not on what they need. Don’t ask why they’re doing this or what you can do to stop it. Instead, ask, “What do I need right now to feel good?” Don’t let the lie of codependent thinking, that you can only be okay if they stop their toxic behavior, control you.
You are allowed to feel good. Give yourself permission. Start making these changes, and I promise you’ll shift from feeling tortured to empowered. When you stop giving the narcissist what they want, they won’t like it — but that’s okay. Share with me what you plan to do the next time the silent treatment comes around, and keep practicing until it becomes second nature.
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