So today I want to talk about the personality that victims of narcissistic abuse tend to develop. I’m not referring to their real personality, but rather to who they become as a result of the abuse. This applies whether the trauma occurred in childhood with narcissistic parents or in a long-term relationship. It’s almost as if we all develop a similar personality. I want to explain what happens, how it happens, and, more importantly, what you can do to rediscover your true self if you identify with this. I always save my tips for the end, so make sure you watch to the end if this resonates with you.
Early in my trauma recovery journey, something significant happened. I sought help because, at the time, I believed I was the problem. When you’ve been involved with a narcissist, they convince you that they’re perfect, and after prolonged manipulation, you start to believe, or at least suspect, that maybe the issue is you. So, I went to seek help, thinking I was the problem. But during the session, my therapist told me, “You do realize you’re in an abusive relationship, right?”
Sadly, part of me was relieved — it felt like a wake-up call. But another part of me, the deeply traumatized part, was in shock. I asked him how he knew, and he said, “People who have been in narcissistic relationships have a very distinct personality.” He compared it to recognizing animal tracks — you don’t need to see the animal itself, but you can tell what kind of animal it was by the imprint it leaves behind. The same is true of narcissistic abuse — the imprint it leaves behind is very distinct, clear, and obvious.
That brings me to today’s topic: the personality that emerges from narcissistic abuse — a traumatized personality that many of us get stuck in. Before I go into the traits and characteristics of this personality, I want to explain why this happens. I know from my own journey that we are quick to blame ourselves. We think, “It’s my fault,” and become upset with ourselves instead of placing the blame where it belongs, which doesn’t help us in recovery. Understanding why these changes happen can help you avoid falling into that spiral of shame and self-blame.
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When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, particularly a covert narcissist, everything is hidden and confusing. As a result, we start using different parts of our brain on a daily basis. Instead of primarily relying on our prefrontal cortex — the thinking, cognitive, executive functioning center of our brain — we begin operating more from our midbrain, which is designed for life-and-death situations. In a healthy state, the prefrontal cortex should be in charge most of the time. But with narcissistic abuse, we live in a constant state of hypervigilance, using our midbrain 24/7. This creates a trauma state where our brain is constantly vigilant to danger, and that is why we experience so much change in our personality.
Here are some changes I experienced. Let me know in the comments if these resonate with you or if I missed any. When we stop functioning from our prefrontal cortex, we lose what’s called prefrontal attributes. Normally, the prefrontal cortex helps us pause, reflect, reframe, forgive, find solutions, have compassion, experience joy, and make clear decisions. However, when we’re stuck in the midbrain, we get caught in stress-based stories and reactions. Our emotional center is highly activated, our fear response is overactive, we lose clear thinking, and we experience memory loss, rumination, intrusive thoughts, and the constant sense that something bad is going to happen. Essentially, we aren’t ourselves anymore; we’re stuck in a state of fear.
When this goes on for a long time, we can develop the five main symptoms of complex PTSD: self-abandonment, toxic shame, a harsh inner critic, social anxiety, and emotional flashbacks. These symptoms can start to feel like our personality, but they aren’t who we truly are. They are trauma responses.
For example, emotional flashbacks occur because the trauma remains alive in our body. Our body is constantly on high alert to anything that reminds it of the trauma, and we overreact. We may respond with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn modes. These trauma responses can feel like they define us, but they don’t — they’re just our coping mechanisms.
The good news is that recovery isn’t about creating a new version of yourself. It’s about unlearning the layers of trauma and coping mechanisms that you developed. The real you is still there underneath it all.
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If you’re struggling with narcissistic abuse recovery, whether you’re still in the relationship or have been out of it for years, the trauma can remain unless you work through it. Time alone doesn’t heal the personality changes caused by trauma.
You may notice that you’re hypervigilant, always scanning your environment for danger. You may feel constantly on alert, struggling to regulate your emotions, and it might take days to feel like you’re back to normal after being triggered. You may also find yourself stuck in emotional states like depression or anxiety, unable to feel joy, excitement, or creativity. It’s common to feel trapped in negative thoughts.
So, what do we do about this? This part can be challenging because we often want a quick fix, but trauma recovery doesn’t work that way. It requires patience and support. Trauma gets stuck in our body because it was too much for us to handle at the time, and healing requires working through it at a pace that supports our body’s needs.
You can’t simply “learn” your way out of it. It’s important to engage both your conscious mind and your body. We need to help our body unlearn the beliefs and coping mechanisms that were ingrained during narcissistic abuse. It’s a process that requires effort and time, but it’s worth it. The goal is to help our survival brain stop running the show and only kick in when necessary.
To anyone going through this, I encourage you to give yourself the time and space to heal. It’s difficult to go through narcissistic abuse, but staying stuck in it — even after the narcissist is gone — is even worse. Doing the inner work allows you to get back to who you truly are.
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