When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, particularly a covert narcissist, everything is hidden and confusing. As a result, we start using different parts of our brain on a daily basis. Instead of primarily relying on our prefrontal cortex — the thinking, cognitive, executive functioning center of our brain — we begin operating more from our midbrain, which is designed for life-and-death situations. In a healthy state, the prefrontal cortex should be in charge most of the time. But with narcissistic abuse, we live in a constant state of hypervigilance, using our midbrain 24/7. This creates a trauma state where our brain is constantly vigilant to danger, and that is why we experience so much change in our personality.
Here are some changes I experienced. Let me know in the comments if these resonate with you or if I missed any. When we stop functioning from our prefrontal cortex, we lose what’s called prefrontal attributes. Normally, the prefrontal cortex helps us pause, reflect, reframe, forgive, find solutions, have compassion, experience joy, and make clear decisions. However, when we’re stuck in the midbrain, we get caught in stress-based stories and reactions. Our emotional center is highly activated, our fear response is overactive, we lose clear thinking, and we experience memory loss, rumination, intrusive thoughts, and the constant sense that something bad is going to happen. Essentially, we aren’t ourselves anymore; we’re stuck in a state of fear.
When this goes on for a long time, we can develop the five main symptoms of complex PTSD: self-abandonment, toxic shame, a harsh inner critic, social anxiety, and emotional flashbacks. These symptoms can start to feel like our personality, but they aren’t who we truly are. They are trauma responses.
For example, emotional flashbacks occur because the trauma remains alive in our body. Our body is constantly on high alert to anything that reminds it of the trauma, and we overreact. We may respond with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn modes. These trauma responses can feel like they define us, but they don’t — they’re just our coping mechanisms.
The good news is that recovery isn’t about creating a new version of yourself. It’s about unlearning the layers of trauma and coping mechanisms that you developed. The real you is still there underneath it all.
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