So, what happens when a narcissist sees you as being too strong? When they perceive that you carry a little more personal power than they’d prefer? Well, a few things really depend on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with. For example, a fragile, vulnerable, more covert narcissist will initially be attracted to your strength, confidence, courage, and personal power. But inevitably, they’ll be triggered and will feel threatened by it. The moment your strong nature begins to shine a light on their own inadequacies, shortcomings, lack of personal integrity, or moral compass, your personal power, strength, and resolve will become a problem, and in their mind, you’ll become their adversary. Suddenly, you’ll be the villain, and they, of course, will see themselves as the victim. This is always par for the course when dealing with a covert narcissist; they are forever and always the victim in every situation, even in circumstances they themselves have not only created but also perpetuated.
What many people don’t realize is that narcissists don’t tend to go after riff-raff. If you’re being targeted by a destructive narcissist in any way, it’s likely because you bring a lot of good qualities to the table; you carry a lot of light. You’re not only highly empathic but also deeply loving, kind, decent, and good—not perfect, but good. And you have a lot going for you. Essentially, you’re the exact opposite of what the narcissist is.
Furthermore, you’re probably really smart and at least relatively accomplished. You make them look good because you look good. You enhance their image by osmosis, and they like that at first. So, your strength and personal power, and all the qualities that make you dynamite, are very attractive to the narcissist in the beginning, for no other reason than that they’re always operating from a “what’s in it for me” perspective.
The problem, however, is that narcissists need to exert authority over others. They also need to create and maintain a perception of superiority, no matter how false that perception may actually be in reality. So, sooner or later, your strength and personal power are going to become very problematic for a destructive narcissist. Depending on the circumstances, this may become evident very quickly—in some cases, immediately. Other times, it will take longer for it to manifest as an actual issue that’s problematic to the relationship dynamic. When it does, you’ll know it because the shift will be real.
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Although a covert narcissist may be able to hide the fear, jealousy, and insecurity that your strength and personal power have triggered within them for a time, a more overt narcissist will swing from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in an instant. They likely won’t be able to hide their triggers or wounded ego as easily. In my opinion and experience, all narcissists are both phony and sneaky, but a covert narcissist brings a little extra to the party in that regard.
Now, that said, it’s important to remember that narcissistic people need to be in a position of dominance and control over others. All is well as long as they’re getting their way and having their needs met. But the moment that’s not the case, look out. Once they’re not getting their way, once it becomes clear that they’re not in control, once you’re not complying—or, God forbid, you accidentally show them up somehow, like shining a little too bright or simply by being who you are naturally—what happens is, whether you realize it or not, their ego takes a hit. Sometimes it’s a big hit, something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, and you have no control over it. Remember, it’s their stuff, not yours.
If they can’t gaslight you into some form of submission, compliance, or feelings of inferiority, if they can’t manipulate, dominate, or control you, then, given the limited tools they have to work with in their emotional and psychological toolbox, they’ll be left with no choice but to target you differently—more passively, but just as destructively, if not even more so than their direct tactics. This is usually done by manipulating and controlling how other people see you.
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When a narcissist can’t control you, they feel threatened by you. When they feel threatened by you, they’ll have to deal with the threat to their false persona in the only way they know how. Usually, that means working to control how others see and perceive you—how others feel about you. They’ll literally go out of their way to discredit, diminish, and demean you as a preemptive measure. The reality is, this can be going on long before you even realize there’s a problem. They’re fake, they’re phony, and they are liars. They tell lies by omission as well as outright lies, and they do so with tremendous ease and zero guilt, shame, or remorse.
So, they have no problem showing up and playacting, pretending that all is well, while simultaneously smearing you to smithereens the moment your back is turned. It doesn’t matter the relationship dynamic; narcissistic parents do this to the children they can’t succeed in manipulating, dominating, or controlling. Narcissistic in-laws jump at the chance to do this as quickly as possible unless anyone else in the family sees the newcomer or outsider in a favorable light. That wouldn’t do, would it? Narcissistic siblings, relatives, friends, bosses, ex-lovers, and spouses do this all the time, mainly to cover up their own horrific relationship crimes.
The bottom line is that narcissists need to be in a position of perceived superiority, dominance, and control. Although your strength and personal power may be attractive and compelling in the early stages of the relationship dynamic, it’s going to be very problematic with anyone who lands on the spectrum of destructive narcissism. It’s just a matter of time. Why? Because you’ll be too difficult or too hard to handle, which is the same as saying you’re not easy to manipulate, dominate, dupe, deceive, or control.
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People who are seen as being too strong by the narcissist are indeed individuals who are not easily swayed by the opinions of others. They’re confident, boundaried, self-reliant, and clear individuals who are personally developed enough to be living sovereign lives, independent of the nonsense the narcissist tends to bring to the table. They think for themselves, act for themselves, feel for themselves, trust themselves, and rely on their own good judgment. They are grounded in their own good opinion of themselves, as opposed to going through life seeking approval and validation from outside themselves. This is not exactly what the narcissist is looking for when it comes to someone to play their sick little games with.
Now, comment below and let me know whether or not you’ve had the experience of triggering a narcissist in this way. Also, if you’re struggling with narcissistic abuse in any area of your life, you’re likely an excellent candidate for my eight-week transformational coaching program, The Freedom Class. If that’s of interest to you, there is a link in the description below where you can apply to see if you qualify for a free one-on-one consultation with either myself or a member of my team.
Once the narcissist is triggered by your strength, confidence, courage, and personal power, in addition to discrediting and smearing you to others, they will also jump at every opportunity to knock you down a peg or two. They’ll happily point out any mistakes, flaws, failings, or perceived shortcomings, lest you think too highly of yourself or feel good about yourself in any way. They’ll also hold your history and any past mistakes you’ve made over your head with a bizarre sense of glee. This is just one more tactic they’ll use to undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. They’ll take great delight in holding your past against you, as if holding up an old picture on the wall they simply refuse to take down—no matter how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown, or how much you may have changed in the years or decades since. Anything they can latch onto can and will be used against you.
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