Before I even attempt to talk about healing after narcissistic abuse, we need to understand the impact of going through such an experience. We need to understand how it affects our brain, body, and soul.
In my opinion and experience, going through narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating experiences a person can endure because it casts a shadow on every aspect of life: physical, emotional, psychological, biochemical, and spiritual. I’ll explain each of these in just a moment.
Let’s begin by understanding the psychological and emotional impact of narcissistic abuse. To truly grasp this, we need to look at the human brain.
On a general and surface level, the human brain can be divided into three layers. The upper layer, which is the cortex and prefrontal cortex, is responsible for creativity, rational thinking, and logical decision-making. Then there’s the midbrain, which includes the limbic system. This area is responsible for bonding, reward perception, and other functions. Lastly, there’s the reptilian or lower brain, which controls temperature regulation, threat response, and activates survival mode.
Now that you have this basic understanding, we need to zoom in a little and look into the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship.
A narcissistic relationship is marked by continuous unpredictability. You never know what to expect from the narcissist at any given moment due to their shape-shifting nature. They constantly change their masks depending on the situation. Because of this unpredictability, you remain in a constant state of arousal—meaning, your nervous system is dysregulated almost all the time, and you’re stuck in survival mode.
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Our bodies are designed to remain in a regulated state most of the time, but in such relationships, the opposite happens. When your system is dysregulated, the sympathetic nervous system, part of the autonomic nervous system, gets activated and remains dominant. When this happens, the blood flow to the cortical regions responsible for rational thinking and being present is reduced, and instead, it flows more to the midbrain and lower brain. This results in us losing our sense of time and reacting out of survival instincts, such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
In a healthy situation, we only activate survival responses occasionally. But in a narcissistic relationship, we end up reacting and functioning in survival mode almost constantly.
The main drivers of this constant hypervigilance and feeling like you’re walking on eggshells are the manipulation, belittling, demoralization, and slow, hard-to-recognize abuse that the narcissist inflicts. Over time, this chronic stress results in trauma, which I refer to as chronic traumatization.
A narcissist, in my opinion, is a thief of resources. They slowly degrade your resilience and your ability to cope, wearing down your personality until you feel helpless.
Looking back at the brain, this chronic stress causes structural changes in key areas such as the cortex, the limbic system, the amygdala, and the hippocampus. These changes alter your perception of threat, reward, bonding, and even consciousness.
For example, in terms of threat perception, you may start perceiving danger even when there’s none. This might manifest as getting startled or triggered by someone’s tone, body language, or even certain sounds or smells. This hyper-alertness often arises in relational contexts, which I’ll explain further toward the end of this article.
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Next, let’s look at how our perception of reward and punishment changes in a narcissistic relationship. The narcissist’s inconsistency—being warm and kind one moment and cold and dismissive the next—creates confusion. This back-and-forth connection and withdrawal rewires how we perceive bonding and punishment. Eventually, even small gestures from the narcissist, like a simple emoji, become significant to us because our brain is craving any form of connection or validation.
The brain damage from this chronic stress also manifests as rumination, where you’re constantly thinking about past events. This happens because the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking, is deactivated, while the limbic and lower brain areas stay active. As a result, your brain focuses solely on survival, pushing aside basic functions like appetite and sleep.
The hormonal imbalances resulting from constant stress also play a role. High levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline cause physical damage to the body and brain, contributing to issues like inflammation, autoimmune disorders, and even memory problems.
Beyond the physical and psychological, narcissistic abuse also damages us spiritually. Many survivors lose their sense of trust in the greater good, in humanity, and in God or the universe. They often feel betrayed and question why they were put in such a situation.
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Relationally, we struggle to form healthy connections after experiencing narcissistic abuse. Survivors may avoid vulnerability, fearing that others will harm them the same way the narcissist did.
Healing from narcissistic abuse requires a holistic and integrative approach. While therapy modalities like CBT and EMDR are helpful, they alone are not enough to address all aspects of the trauma. Healing must occur on multiple levels—physical, emotional, spiritual, biochemical, and relational.
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