Narcissists are exceptionally skilled at making others like them. Many of them are high-functioning individuals who present as normal, cordial, and even admirable to the outside world. This creates a profound disconnect for the victims, especially when trying to explain their suffering to others. Outsiders, whether friends, family, or acquaintances, may praise the narcissist as a wonderful person, leading others to question the victim’s sanity or accuse them of being ungrateful.
This dynamic is not exclusive to male narcissists. Many narcissistic women are equally adored by people outside the family, seen as accommodating, charming, and hospitable. They often play the role of the perfect hostess, which makes it nearly impossible for others to believe the abuse happening behind closed doors.
The question is: How do you get people to see the truth when you’re the one bearing the brunt of narcissistic torment? At first, it may feel impossible, isolating, and self-doubt may creep in. You might even start questioning whether you are the problem, losing your mind in the process. The trauma inflicted by the narcissist’s “street angel, home devil” persona is intense, leaving victims anxious, depressed, and struggling to function in daily life.
The harsh reality is that, for a time, you cannot convince others of what is happening. Trying to get people to see the narcissist for who they truly are will often backfire, making you look worse in their eyes. This is particularly challenging when children are involved. Trying to get your kids to understand the narcissistic parent’s true nature can lead to more pain and frustration.
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But this does not mean all hope is lost. In fact, understanding this dynamic is key to your healing. It’s vital to realize that this process unfolds in divine order. Narcissists are consummate actors, skilled at portraying whatever role they need to secure narcissistic supply—attention, resources, accolades, or praise. They give only for the sake of what they can receive in return, never for the genuine joy of helping others.
At the quantum level, true giving involves giving to others because, ultimately, we are giving to ourselves. Healthy people experience joy in helping and caring for their loved ones. In stark contrast, narcissists seek only to extract narcissistic supply, whether positive (adoration) or negative (control through fear and pain).
One of the most difficult realizations is that the narcissist will never change. They are wired to seek supply from others, and you cannot become their constant source. Once past the honeymoon phase, you will often be the target of their anger, projection, and abuse. Even if you try to appease the narcissist, you will still experience moments of being their emotional dumping ground.
So, what can you do? The key to true healing lies in focusing on yourself. It’s about dropping the need for others to validate your experience or expose the narcissist. Healing starts when you stop seeking external approval and support and start healing yourself from within.
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Narcissistic abuse often happens because we are, at some level, emotionally underdeveloped, relying on external validation for our sense of self. Narcissistic abuse gives us the opportunity to heal these wounds, to grow into whole, self-actualized individuals who no longer depend on others for love and approval. Once we achieve this, we can attract healthy relationships and walk away from those that do not serve us.
Self-partnering—learning to meet our own emotional needs—does not mean becoming isolated. In fact, once you are no longer needy, good, loving people will naturally enter your life. When you become whole, your relationships reflect that wholeness.
I know from personal experience that once you heal, the narcissist’s power over you diminishes. People who once believed the narcissist’s lies often come to see the truth, though by that time, you may no longer need their validation.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey back to yourself. It’s about releasing inner trauma and becoming the person you were always meant to be—whole, complete, and no longer dependent on the approval of others. Once you reach this place, the “street angel, home devil” persona of the narcissist will collapse, and you will find yourself surrounded by love, validation, and support beyond what you ever thought possible.
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