If you expect yourself to quickly get better after leaving the narcissist or going no contact and not be affected by what happened in the past, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and disappointment. Why? Let me explain.
Number one: You have experienced a traumatic brain injury.
This may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn’t because narcissistic abuse alters the anatomy of your brain. In a narcissistic relationship, you are in a constant state of hypervigilance—surviving, jumping from one survival mode to the next. One moment you’re fighting, the next you’re fleeing, then freezing because the abuse is so overwhelming, leaving you feeling helpless. You are constantly forced to survive the narcissist’s unpredictable behavior.
You don’t know where you stand in the relationship. One moment, they’re Dr. Jekyll, the next they’re Mr. Hyde. You’re never sure who they truly are or what your relationship status is. If this is your reality for years, not just months or hours, how could your nervous system not be affected? How could you function properly after such prolonged adversity? The multifaceted impact of narcissistic abuse changes your brain, your nervous system, your biochemistry, and, ultimately, you as a person.
Talking about the brain, the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex have to adapt by changing in size to help you survive. Without these changes, you wouldn’t have been able to endure the abuse. Now, you’re carrying those adaptations with you in the aftermath. Healing takes time. These alterations need time to reverse. It’s not easy.
Number two: You have developed self-destructive habits.
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When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you often punish yourself because you’re gaslit into believing you’re responsible for their terrible behavior. As a result, you engage in self-destructive behaviors like addiction—whether it’s alcohol, cigarettes, food, overspending, or sex. These addictions dull the inner pain, helping you survive, but they become ingrained. After leaving the relationship, you can’t just get rid of them instantly. It takes time, resources, and new ways of coping.
Number three: Your inability to forgive yourself.
The anger and blame you direct at yourself complicate your healing. Once you realize what has happened, you may feel angry for not seeing the signs sooner or for not leaving earlier. However, the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship are complex. You didn’t know then what you know now. Trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance made it hard to think clearly, keeping you stuck. Forgiveness and compassion toward yourself are essential for healing.
Number four: Complex post-traumatic stress response.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often suffer from complex post-traumatic stress, displaying symptoms such as chronic self-doubt, hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, and even suicidality. Healing from this requires time, patience, and a lot of inner work.
Number five: Complex flashbacks.
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Trauma from narcissistic abuse can cause flashbacks filled with guilt, shame, and a critical inner voice. These flashbacks often come involuntarily, triggered by something in the environment, making you feel like you’re reliving those traumatic memories.
Another significant trauma symptom that many survivors develop is agoraphobia—the fear of going out in crowds, waiting in lines, using public transport, or being in small spaces where escape feels difficult. This fear stems from having experienced an extreme loss of control in the relationship, making survivors feel vulnerable. Many survivors I’ve worked with have avoided going out for months, reluctant to face the world. Even driving becomes a challenge.
Have you experienced agoraphobia—the fear of going out and being in crowds? If yes, share your experiences in the comments below. What helped you the most in your recovery? Your story might help others.
When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, the biggest thing you lose is control—over yourself, your emotions, and even your thinking. Narcissists force you to see the world through their lens using gaslighting and manipulation. This constant manipulation leads to extreme anxiety—especially existential anxiety. Even outside the relationship, you may struggle with trusting others, as you don’t know who might hurt you like the narcissist did.
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I’ve worked with many survivors who experience major panic attacks when trying to re-enter the world. One person I worked with couldn’t leave their home for months. When they finally attempted to drive, they had a massive panic attack. With consistent support, they eventually regained confidence.
In agoraphobia linked to narcissistic abuse, it’s not just a fear of being out in public; it’s a fear of being triggered. Familiar places, people, or even scents can bring back memories, causing anxiety or confusion. Positive flashbacks—memories of seemingly good times with the narcissist—can also cause rumination and self-doubt, which complicates healing.
Avoiding these triggers may provide temporary relief but doesn’t resolve the trauma. Instead, gradual exposure, while staying calm and grounded, can help integrate the trauma and heal. Techniques like tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) and havening (gently rubbing the arms to create calming delta waves in the brain) are powerful tools for self-regulation during exposure to triggers.
Take things slowly and work at your own pace, but remember: healing from trauma requires facing it. Compassion, patience, and consistent practice will help you move forward.
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