Let’s kick off this artcile in a place you’ve probably found yourself in many times before. You’re at a crossroads: the narcissist has done something unforgivable, yet the only way to keep them in your life is to forgive them and hope for the best. “It’ll take some time,” you say. “They’ve got to earn it, right?” Maybe they acknowledge their wrongdoing, or maybe they don’t—but either way, you’re left with a choice: to forgive and continue, or to leave for good this time.
You might even think the biggest risk in staying is that they’ll keep hurting you in the same way. But that’s not even a risk—it’s a given. Meanwhile, they will use your forgiveness to make you regret staying. But before we get to that, let’s talk about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.
Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, though the narcissist would love for you to believe it is. Forgiveness is also not the same as letting something go. You may decide not to argue or not to bring something up again for the sake of peace, but that doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven them. Early on, many of us have been guilty of offering forgiveness to people who didn’t deserve it, and the consequences tend to be swift and painful.
Now, let’s look at how a narcissist will weaponize your forgiveness. The first way is by using it to reset the blame. Narcissists love to approach relationship issues with a “clean slate”—but only when it benefits them. They might say things like, “Let’s just wipe the slate clean,” or “Let’s forget about the past and start fresh.” What they really mean is they want you to forget everything they’ve done that required your forgiveness. If it’s the first time, you shouldn’t be that upset, right? But you’ll notice that this clean slate never works in reverse. The narcissist can bring up things you’ve done or reasons they’ve been upset with you at any time.
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In fact, they’ll often throw in a frustrated, “You always do this,” in the same breath as they ask for a clean slate. When you’re in this, especially with a trauma bond at play, it can be tempting to believe in the clean slate. But unfortunately, that’s not how it works—especially not with a narcissist. Those old issues will always resurface, and you’ll regret giving them a clean slate.
There’s a saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” The sad part is that the second, third, or fifth time hurts even more than the first because it comes with shame and self-blame. The more you allow them to get away with their behavior, the less you’ll blame them. Over time, the rage dulls, and what’s left is a self-image that fades more and more each day. Tragically, the more your self-image is tarnished, the more likely you are to fall for the narcissist’s manipulation, continuing the cycle.
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Christina, and I’m a toxic relationship recovery coach. If you think you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, I have a free checklist to help you assess your experience with narcissistic abuse—find the link in the description.
Now, let’s discuss how narcissists will leverage your forgiveness to justify their future behavior. This is a particularly damaging tactic. After all, if you were able to forgive them the first time, it must not have been that bad, right? Meanwhile, it took everything you had to forgive them the last time, and now you feel like you have nothing left to give.
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They may also turn it around on you for bringing up the issue again. When you mention their repeated behavior, they’ll shame and blame you, saying things like, “I thought we were past this,” or, “How many times are we going to talk about the same thing?” But how many times can they do the same thing?
Another way a narcissist will weaponize your forgiveness is by gaslighting you about the need for forgiveness in the first place. For example, let’s say you caught them saying terrible things about you behind your back. It felt like a knife to the chest, and it took a lot to let them back in. Once the dust settles, they might say, “I can’t believe you were even mad about that,” implying that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive—common gaslighting phrases.
If you’ve been exposed to this kind of abuse for long enough, you may start to believe you’re the problem, especially with a narcissist constantly telling you so. But don’t fall for it.
Another way a narcissist will weaponize your forgiveness is by using it as proof of your undying love. Let’s say they get caught cheating—there’s no talking their way out of it this time. It’s public, and everyone knows. They might say, “You forgave me for that, so we must be soulmates.” This reinforces their belief that they can keep pushing your limits and you’ll always forgive them.
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Sadly, this kind of narcissistic supply is what most narcissists crave. It takes a heavy toll on their target, but it also makes it that much more surprising when you finally walk away for good. They definitely won’t see it coming, and sometimes, that’s the best closure you can get.
The danger in falling for this manipulation is that if you believe it, your sense of virtue becomes tied to your forgiveness. You might feel like a bad person or like you’ve given up on them if you decide to leave. But don’t fall into that trap. You can be just as good—actually, much better—when you stop putting up with someone else’s entitlement and abuse.
Finally, a narcissist may use your forgiveness to call you a liar. If you’ve forgiven them for something like lying or cheating, and the issue comes up again, they might say, “I thought you forgave me for that,” implying that you’re the one being disingenuous. It’s their way of shifting the blame.
If you’re thinking about forgiving a narcissist, I have one question for you: have you gone no contact? Because if you haven’t, forgiveness will be nearly impossible. True forgiveness is for you, not them. It feels like shedding a heavy weight, but it happens gradually, not all at once. If you’re ready to stop the cycle of abuse, go no contact and see how your life improves.
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