Let’s kick off this artcile in a place you’ve probably found yourself in many times before. You’re at a crossroads: the narcissist has done something unforgivable, yet the only way to keep them in your life is to forgive them and hope for the best. “It’ll take some time,” you say. “They’ve got to earn it, right?” Maybe they acknowledge their wrongdoing, or maybe they don’t—but either way, you’re left with a choice: to forgive and continue, or to leave for good this time.
You might even think the biggest risk in staying is that they’ll keep hurting you in the same way. But that’s not even a risk—it’s a given. Meanwhile, they will use your forgiveness to make you regret staying. But before we get to that, let’s talk about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.
Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, though the narcissist would love for you to believe it is. Forgiveness is also not the same as letting something go. You may decide not to argue or not to bring something up again for the sake of peace, but that doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven them. Early on, many of us have been guilty of offering forgiveness to people who didn’t deserve it, and the consequences tend to be swift and painful.
Now, let’s look at how a narcissist will weaponize your forgiveness. The first way is by using it to reset the blame. Narcissists love to approach relationship issues with a “clean slate”—but only when it benefits them. They might say things like, “Let’s just wipe the slate clean,” or “Let’s forget about the past and start fresh.” What they really mean is they want you to forget everything they’ve done that required your forgiveness. If it’s the first time, you shouldn’t be that upset, right? But you’ll notice that this clean slate never works in reverse. The narcissist can bring up things you’ve done or reasons they’ve been upset with you at any time.
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