Narcissists are pathological liars. We know that they can lie to your face without even flinching; lying comes as naturally to them as breathing does to you. They are masters of the craft of manipulation and abuse. However, there are some lesser-known strategies that can help you see through their facade, spot their lies, and understand their true intentions. Let’s learn what these strategies are in today’s episode.
Let’s start with a question: what were the main lying tactics used by the narcissist who hurt you? How did you know they were lying? Drop your experiences in the comments below to equip other survivors with the tools they may need to navigate their situation.
On a side note, all these techniques require emotional objectivity and dispassionate curiosity. In other words, when trying to spot their lies, you must stay in control of your emotions and avoid reacting.
1. Instant Answer or Pausing Before Answering
One striking trait of narcissists is that their reactions to questions can be extreme—either giving an emotionally charged instant answer or pausing noticeably before answering. When caught off guard or feeling threatened, they may react instantly with an emotional answer, often aggressive, defensive, or overtly dramatic. For instance, if you ask them where they were last night, they might respond, “Why are you always accusing me of something? Can’t I have a life?” Their tone may be louder, and their words sharper, aiming to divert the conversation or make you feel guilty for asking.
On the other hand, a narcissist may pause before responding, especially when they need to craft a convincing response. This pause can feel unnatural as they mentally sift through possible answers that best serve their narrative. For example, if you ask them about their relationship with someone, they might pause, seeming deep in thought, before fabricating a story to deflect your suspicions.
2. Too Much Detail
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When cornered, narcissists often overcompensate for their lies by providing excessive, unnecessary details. They might recount a lengthy story filled with tangential information, like helping at the scene of an accident, saving a dog, or having their photo taken by someone. This excessive detail is a tactic to pull on your heartstrings and distract you from the issue. By inducing an emotional fog, they attempt to disorient you and deflect suspicion. The key to detecting their lies is discerning relevance: are the details meaningful, or just filler? Listen carefully and evaluate why they might be telling you these particular details.
3. Mismatch Between Words and Nonverbal Cues
Narcissists’ expressions and words often don’t align, especially in emotional moments. This subtle incongruence can reveal their deceit. Imagine you’ve reached your breaking point and told them you’re leaving. They may suddenly appear tearful and say, “I realize how much I’ve hurt you; I’ll change and even go to therapy.” However, their voice may lack the trembling of genuine sadness, or their expression may seem flat, revealing the insincerity behind their words.
4. Difficulty Keeping Track of Details
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Since narcissists often invent elaborate stories, they struggle to keep track of all the fabricated details. Over time, inconsistencies emerge in their narratives. To test this, ask the same question about an event on separate occasions. If the story varies significantly in dates, times, or specifics, they may be lying. Rather than confronting them immediately, which could lead to blame-shifting, note these inconsistencies as a way to ground yourself in reality and counter their attempts to make you question your perception.
In conclusion, to spot a narcissist’s lies, take a step back and observe dispassionately. By not playing their game, you empower yourself to see the truth.
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