The number one mistake we can make is judging people for their unusual habits without understanding the reasons behind them. Narcissistic abuse survivors often develop quirks in response to the trauma they’ve endured. These habits might seem strange at first glance, but they usually serve as coping mechanisms to help manage pain, confusion, or anxiety. By understanding these behaviors, we can gain perspective and cultivate compassion instead of judgment. Today, we’ll explore some of these unique habits and the reasons behind them. Are you ready?
1. Rapidly shifting gaze during group conversations:
If you’ve been affected by narcissistic abuse, you may find yourself quickly scanning every face in a group for signs of approval—or judgment. This habit often develops from becoming hyper-aware of the narcissist’s mood changes. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist specializing in narcissistic relationships, explains that survivors of narcissistic abuse become “emotional detectives,” always scanning for approval or disapproval. Your brain is constantly assessing who’s safe, even when no one in the room poses a threat.
2. Biting or licking lips frequently:
Many narcissistic abuse survivors tend to bite or lick their lips more often than they realize. According to trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, the body often manifests what the mind tries to suppress. Biting or licking lips is a way of managing the anxiety and stress that accumulates from past trauma. Consider replacing this habit with a healthier coping mechanism, like using flavored lip balm or practicing deep breathing exercises.
3. Holding their breath or sighing frequently:
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If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you might catch yourself holding your breath or sighing frequently, almost without realizing it. Dr. Stephen Porges, developer of the polyvagal theory, notes that trauma can lock the nervous system into hypervigilance. Holding your breath is a way of bracing for the next emotional blow, while sighs are attempts to release the tension unconsciously held in the body.
4. Standing or sitting with arms crossed defensively:
This posture is common among narcissistic abuse survivors as a form of self-protection. Body language expert Dr. Amy Cuddy explains that crossing your arms can signal a need to protect yourself, often from feelings of vulnerability or insecurity. It’s like a personal shield against the world, helping survivors cope with lingering anxiety and sensitivity from past experiences.
5. Hunching shoulders:
Survivors of narcissistic abuse may hunch their shoulders as if trying to make themselves smaller. Dr. Brené Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability explains that hunching is often a reaction to feeling unsafe or undervalued. Practicing mindful posture exercises, such as consciously pulling your shoulders back, can promote confidence and help survivors feel more grounded in their space.
6. Shaking a leg uncontrollably while seated:
Leg shaking can signal pent-up anxiety or nervous energy. Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen says that fidgeting acts as a stress release, akin to the body’s way of saying, “I need to move.” While it might seem distracting, it often helps survivors manage inner tension when feeling overwhelmed.
7. Rubbing wrists together absent-mindedly:
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This repetitive motion is a way some survivors self-soothe during anxious moments. Therapist Dr. Patrick Keelan suggests that grounding activities, like gently pressing palms together or deep breathing, can provide reassurance without the need for repetitive movements.
8. Touching the throat when speaking or feeling vulnerable:
Touching the throat can indicate anxiety or vulnerability, according to psychologist Dr. Deborah Campbell. Since the throat is a sensitive area, this gesture serves as a form of self-soothing, especially when confronting difficult emotions.
9. Cutting others off in conversation:
Narcissistic abuse survivors may interrupt conversations due to heightened anxiety or a need to express themselves before the moment slips away. Therapist Dr. John Gottman explains that this habit often stems from feeling unheard in the past. Practicing mindfulness by consciously waiting for the other person to finish speaking can alleviate this anxious urge and make conversations smoother.
10. Pushing hair back or out of the face repeatedly:
This gesture is often more than a style choice for those with a history of narcissistic abuse. According to Dr. Amy Cuddy, this small action can help boost confidence in vulnerable moments. When survivors adjust their appearance, it’s often an attempt to regain control over their surroundings and feel more at ease.
In conclusion, the unique habits of narcissistic abuse survivors are not just random quirks—they reflect a history of deep emotional wounds. Understanding these behaviors fosters empathy for what survivors have endured. Behind every habit lies a story of survival and healing. Let’s offer support instead of judgment, helping each other on the journey toward recovery. If you or someone you know is coping with the effects of narcissistic abuse, remember that it’s okay to seek help and work toward healing. Compassion can make this journey a little easier for all of us.
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