When you disappear on a narcissist, it can trigger intense reactions because they thrive on control and attention. Without your presence, they may attempt to regain power through manipulation, guilt-tripping, or smear campaigns. The sudden loss of their “supply” forces them to confront the reality that they’re not in control, which can lead to anger or even a frantic attempt to get you back. However, staying no-contact is often the most empowering choice, allowing you to break free from their toxic influence and start healing.
Loss of Control
The first thing you need to understand is the narcissist’s intense need for control. They thrive on knowing what will happen next and ensuring they control the outcome. When they lose that control, it shakes them deeply. This isn’t about playing games on your part; it’s simply that you’ve had enough. But for the narcissist, losing control triggers a profound reaction.
Control is everything to a narcissist—it’s rooted in fears of rejection and abandonment. When they don’t have control, these core wounds surface. They fear rejection and abandonment because it’s tied to unresolved childhood experiences. They may never openly admit it or even be consciously aware, but losing control pushes them into a place of deep-seated fear.
Fear and Rejection
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Without control, a narcissist feels vulnerable, insignificant, and abandoned. These core wounds and triggers send them spiraling back to unresolved fears from their childhood. They realize they no longer influence you, and that, in turn, denies them the validation they’ve grown accustomed to from you. This can lead to a feeling of humiliation, which often manifests as rage because they cannot manage these emotions.
They will likely lash out or try to make you believe everything is your fault, manipulating you into feeling guilty for leaving. This manipulation is all part of trying to pull you back in, but it’s essential to see it for what it truly is—a tactic, not a genuine expression of remorse or love.
Hoovering and Guilt Manipulation
Many narcissists will attempt to “hoover” you back with seemingly innocent messages like, “I miss you” or “Weren’t we great together?” These are meant to trigger you, to make you feel guilty or nostalgic. Remember, this isn’t sincere; it’s about drawing you back into their control. Think about it—if they truly valued the relationship, why didn’t they make an effort to keep it healthy in the first place?
Silent Treatment and Smear Campaigns
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If a narcissist can’t get you back, they might switch tactics. Some use the silent treatment, making you feel ignored, unimportant, or even invisible in an attempt to reverse the power dynamic. Others may take it a step further and begin a smear campaign, trying to damage your reputation among mutual contacts to regain a sense of superiority and control.
The Underlying Fear
Beneath all of these reactions—whether rage, manipulation, or a smear campaign—is a fundamental fear of rejection and abandonment. They act out because they don’t know how to cope with these feelings. Re-establishing contact with you temporarily alleviates their fear of abandonment, but it’s not about genuine reconciliation. Instead, it’s about quelling their fear by controlling you again.
Moving Forward
So, if you’re questioning whether you should reconnect or rekindle things, ask yourself: is this relationship fulfilling and respectful, or is it just an emotional trap? Keep in mind that narcissists rarely change, as they are unwilling to confront their own behaviors. Moving forward is about protecting your emotional health and letting go of toxic influences.
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