If I asked you, “What is a narcissist’s biggest fear?” you might say, “It’s the loss of control, their supply, or negative exposure.” And you’d be right—that’s what most people believe and talk about. But what if I told you that’s not the whole story?
There are fears—smaller stresses—that a narcissist hides well but struggles with daily. These fears are far more dangerous because they torment them every moment of every day.
Fear #1: Memory Loss
Narcissists rely heavily on their memory, as they need to know their “territory” inside and out to control others. By focusing on the details, they can craft alternate versions of reality to convince you that you’re wrong in how you perceive things. To lie perfectly, they need a sharp memory.
Let’s say you’re trying to sleep, and they decide to deprive you of it. They’ll start an argument—about something that happened 10 years ago, word for word, just to make you feel guilty. They selectively remember everything and choose details that serve their narrative.
Now, imagine the terror they feel when they begin to lose this memory. I witnessed my father experience this. Initially, he would boast about his memory, saying, “You can’t fool me. I remember everything.” But as he aged, he’d nervously laugh and admit, “I think my memory is weakening.” He even began taking supplements to combat this fear. Losing control over their memory, something beyond their control, terrifies them.
Fear #2: Strong Relationships with Children
Narcissists fear you developing a strong bond with your children, as they see kids not as individuals to nurture but as extensions of themselves. They want minions who will serve them in the future.
To prevent this bond, they attempt to alienate you from your children by manipulating and lying. They shape the environment to prove that you’re the “abusive” one, pushing your buttons until you react in ways that seem to confirm their claims. As a result, the children are manipulated into becoming enablers or even “mini-narcissists.” My mother, for instance, groomed me from a young age to see my father as the enemy, ensuring all support was directed to her.
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Fear #3: Loss of Sexual Appeal
This fear is especially pronounced in somatic narcissists, who are fixated on their physical appearance. They obsess over diets, exercise, and procedures to maintain their youth. But age is inevitable, and they cannot accept it.
This is why older narcissists might pursue relationships with much younger partners, hoping to feel young by association. For example, an older male narcissist may date younger women, or a female narcissist may dress provocatively to attract attention. They fear losing sexual appeal, viewing it as a loss of control over their image.
Fear #4: Being Seen Through
Being seen through is different from being exposed. While exposing a narcissist involves telling others about their behavior, seeing through them means understanding who they really are. They fear that certain people—particularly those who are emotionally aware and strong—can see past their masks.
When they encounter someone who can see through them, narcissists become anxious and avoid eye contact, quick to run away or turn others against the person who saw through them. This fear of being authentically seen is like being trapped with no escape, and it can make them panic.
Fear #5: Indifference
Lastly, narcissists fear indifference. This is different from being ignored. When you ignore a narcissist, they know you’re holding back your emotions. But true indifference is when you no longer care; it’s as if they’re dead to you.
When you’re genuinely indifferent, their existence loses meaning. They have no true personality—only the identity others give them. Narcissists might try to provoke reactions, accuse you of changing, or even fake emergencies, but ultimately, they are left alone with the realization that they’re no longer significant to you.
Conclusion
That concludes today’s episode. I hope you found it insightful. If you did, let me know in the comments. I’ll see you in the next one, and as always, let the healing begin and continue.
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