Did you know that narcissistic abuse survivors often develop unusual communication patterns as a result of their experiences? Constant manipulation, criticism, and control leave them second-guessing their words and filtering everything they say to avoid conflict. This may lead them to hesitate, overthink, or even stay silent—behaviors that might seem odd to others but serve as self-protection.
In this article, we’ll explore these unique patterns, the reasons behind them, and how survivors can begin to restore more open, confident ways of communicating.
1. Apologizing Excessively
Narcissistic abuse survivors often feel like they’re always at fault, leading to communication patterns like over-apologizing for things that aren’t their responsibility. This behavior stems from the victim-blaming tactics of narcissists, which condition survivors to take the blame as a way to avoid conflict and maintain peace.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Raman Doas explains that this habit can become a survival tactic that ultimately harms self-worth. To combat this, pause before saying, “I’m sorry,” and ask yourself if you’re truly responsible. Remember, you don’t need to apologize to keep the peace.
2. Hyperventilating When Over-Explaining
Have you ever explained yourself and suddenly felt like you couldn’t catch your breath? Hyperventilating can be common for those who’ve survived narcissistic abuse. You might feel pressure to be clear, defend yourself, or ensure you’re understood—likely because you were ignored, belittled, or constantly doubted by the narcissist.
Survivors often over-explain, believing no one will believe them. Your body reacts as if every conversation is a life-or-death debate, putting your nervous system in overdrive. To manage this, practice taking slow, deep breaths. Remind yourself that you don’t need to justify every detail and trust that your words are enough without over-explaining.
3. Stumbling Over Words When Sharing Experiences
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Sharing sensitive experiences can feel overwhelming. Narcissistic abuse survivors may stutter when recounting their stories. Their minds get stuck even when they know what they want to say. Trauma expert Dr. Judith Herman explains that survivors often have a disrupted sense of self because they’ve been silenced or criticized so much that they second-guess every detail of their story.
This self-doubt, instilled by the abuse, keeps your brain on guard, expecting backlash. To overcome this, try speaking slowly, grounding yourself in the present, and reminding yourself that your story is valid and doesn’t need to be perfect.
4. Tone Checking
Do you know someone who frequently asks if you’re upset? Narcissistic abuse survivors might constantly tone-check because they’ve learned to be hyper-aware of even the slightest mood shifts, fearing they could signal an incoming storm. This sensitivity is a result of walking on eggshells around a narcissist.
To heal, remind yourself that other people’s moods are not your responsibility. Focus on the overall conversation rather than searching for subtle shifts in tone.
5. Keeping a Neutral Facial Expression at Social Gatherings
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often learn to keep a “poker face” in social settings to avoid judgment or manipulation. Years of hiding their emotions taught them that showing vulnerability could be used against them.
To heal, practice expressing your emotions in safe spaces. Remember, it’s okay to be vulnerable, and genuine connections come from sharing your true feelings.
6. Laughing When Nervous
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Have you ever laughed in a serious or awkward situation? Survivors might use humor as a shield because showing negative emotions wasn’t allowed during the abuse. Psychologist Dr. Judith Orloff explains that humor can help regain control and diffuse tension, but it can also make it difficult for others to see your true feelings.
While laughter can lighten the mood, it’s essential to remember that expressing sadness or fear is okay. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t need to hide them anymore.
7. Frequent Pauses in Speech
Survivors may pause more often when they speak, not because they don’t know what to say, but because they’ve been conditioned to carefully scan their words for safety. This cautious habit, developed to avoid criticism, can persist even in comfortable settings.
To build confidence, practice speaking freely in safe environments and trust that it’s okay to express yourself without constant filtering.
8. Using Passive Language
Survivors may struggle with assertiveness, often softening their words to avoid conflict. Instead of saying, “I want” or “I need,” they might say, “Maybe we could” or “I was thinking that.” This passive language stems from a place of self-protection.
To overcome this, practice making clear and direct statements about your wants and needs. Building assertiveness can help boost confidence in communication.
9. Repeating Themselves for Clarity
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Survivors might repeat themselves to ensure they’re understood. This habit often comes from situations where narcissists twisted their words or feigned misunderstanding.
Practice trusting that your message has been understood and give others space to respond, rather than repeating yourself unnecessarily.
10. Avoiding Eye Contact
Avoiding eye contact is common among survivors. It’s not about being shy or unfriendly; it’s because prolonged eye contact can feel uncomfortable or threatening. Narcissists often used intense eye contact to intimidate, control, or scrutinize them.
To heal, practice gradually increasing eye contact in safe settings. This can help you feel more comfortable and connected with others.
In Conclusion
If you recognize any of these communication patterns in yourself or someone else, remember they are normal responses to the trauma of narcissistic abuse. While protective, these habits can sometimes hinder authentic connection and self-expression. With awareness and practice, it’s possible to break these patterns, communicate more directly, and rediscover your authentic voice.
Take your time on this journey. Every small step counts, and you’re not alone. You’ve got this!
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