Today, we’re discussing what happens when you discard, leave, or abandon a narcissist. This is a situation I have decades of experience with, as I have discarded my malignant narcissistic ex and also gone no-contact with my narcissistic father and other family members. If you’re considering leaving and have concerns, this is for you.
Let’s dive in.
When you discard, leave, or abandon a narcissist, it is not at all like leaving a partner in a normal, loving relationship. Narcissists interpret abandonment very differently. First, let me clarify: narcissists typically do not see it coming. It doesn’t matter if you’ve warned them repeatedly or even told them explicitly that you’d leave if they didn’t change. In their mind, they cannot fathom a reality in which you would actually leave.
Based on my experience, it often takes a narcissist a very long time to fully comprehend that you are done for good. This is because they have likely gotten away with mistreating you for years, and their narcissism prevents them from accepting the reality that you’ve left. Even after you’ve physically left or filed for divorce, they might convince themselves you’ll return, perhaps because they’ve eroded your self-esteem, or they believe their financial power will keep you dependent on them. They may also think they can pressure, harass, or manipulate you into coming back.
The Narcissist’s Reaction to Abandonment
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Initially, the narcissist may react with confusion. They struggle to understand why you left, as they live in a constructed reality filled with a false narrative about themselves and their importance. Even if they’ve abused, cheated, or neglected you for years, they view such behavior as their entitlement. This delusional thinking often leads them to believe they have done nothing wrong.
If you don’t return quickly, their confusion may turn into anger and even rage. Narcissists often perceive themselves as the hero, martyr, or victim of every story—they never see themselves as the villain. If you try to hold them accountable, they may become highly offended and begin gaslighting you and others to protect their narrative.
It’s common for them to list all the supposed sacrifices they’ve made for you and accuse you of being ungrateful. In their mind, you are beneath them, and leaving them is seen as an act of betrayal.
Manipulation Tactics
When guilt-tripping and gaslighting fail, narcissists may resort to pity tactics. They might recount traumatic events from their own lives to elicit your empathy. Remember: many people experience trauma without becoming abusive. Abusive behavior is always a choice. Narcissists often exploit their victim’s compassion, knowing that empathetic individuals are likely to feel sorry for them.
Escalation and Retaliation
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If you don’t return, narcissists can escalate their behavior, resulting in threats, harassment, and even dangerous situations. They may threaten to ruin your reputation, destroy your property, or manipulate your children. It’s essential to recognize that a narcissist does not operate with a sense of morality or conscience—they are willing to go to extreme lengths to regain control.
If all their tactics fail, their feelings toward you may turn into obsessive hatred. This could manifest in attempts to ruin your life, spread rumors, or harass you relentlessly. In some extreme cases, this obsession can last for years, as they see your decision to leave as a challenge to their authority.
Final Advice
If you’re leaving a high-spectrum malignant narcissist or sociopath, consider strategies to make them feel like they are “winning.” This may help reduce post-separation abuse. Remember, nothing is more important to a narcissist than maintaining the illusion of being the winner.
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