Self-future faking is another term for justification, similar to what we see in the trauma-bonded framework. However, it involves something that will happen down the line and is almost always coupled with self-blame. We might think, “I’m being too demanding; they have a tough backstory,” or we may find ourselves in denial and self-reassurance, believing that “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” How many of you have used that to rationalize your narcissistic relationship?
As always, thank you to everyone who has been sending in these proverbs; you often inspire me with ideas I hadn’t considered before. This homespun wisdom, as much as it may seem pointless, is worth discussing. I’ll tell you why: many of these proverbs, while sometimes good, can also keep us stuck.
This particular proverb has several variations. Some say, “The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t.” Its origins range from Irish to African proverbs, and even a line from a trope novel. But what does this proverb mean? Essentially, it suggests that the person you don’t like—who may be tough on you but is familiar—is better than someone unknown. When we consider the variation involving the angel you don’t know, it implies that even a bad person you already know is preferable to facing the uncertainties of a new person, regardless of their potential goodness.
This proverb encapsulates a primary reason many people become stuck in narcissistic relationships, using it as a justification. Familiarity plays a significant role here. Let’s face it: the narcissist is the devil you know. You may understand how they will gaslight you, manipulate you, or cheat and lie to you. Your expectations might be lowered, so even though living with such low expectations feels terrible, at least you know the territory. You understand how it all operates.
I can’t tell you how often individuals in narcissistic relationships say, “I know this relationship is absolutely unhealthy and awful, but what if I go out there and meet someone new, find a new job, or make new friends? I might just encounter more bad people, and at least I already know this bad person.” The thought of reliving those processes, making more mistakes, and experiencing new hurts feels overwhelming for many, leading them to fall back on the devil they know.
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Familiarity can be one of the most seductive human experiences. When something is familiar—even if it is bad—we are often drawn to it. This dynamic is a key component of trauma bonding. For someone who grew up in a family that was invalidating, rejected, or had an unempathic parent, it can be almost magnetic to revert to such patterns and justify them as a deep connection. That familiarity can trap us in toxic relationships, which is the essence of the “devil you know” concept.
The “devil you know” also represents fear, which is central in narcissistic relationships. The fears that many individuals face when considering leaving a narcissistic relationship include the fear of being alone, being broke, not seeing their children, fear of disapproval, and the fear of never meeting new people. This fear can be rationalized through the proverb, reinforcing the idea that staying is safer.
For me, this proverb serves as a chilling cautionary tale about narcissistic abuse. Many people remain in intimate relationships out of fear—fear of being alone, fear that the narcissist will move on if they leave, or fear that they won’t find someone else. I have spoken with numerous individuals, especially women, who have stayed in long-term narcissistic marriages. They often feel that if they leave, they may struggle to find a new partner, rationalizing staying in a detrimental situation as the “devil you know.”
Another relevant issue raised by this proverb is the idea of “devil versus devil.” The devil you know—your existing narcissist—is perceived as better than the devil you don’t, often conceptualized as another person. For some, however, the “devil you don’t know” may be being single, alone, cutting ties with family, or leaving a long-term job. The unknown future can be daunting.
It’s essential to start recognizing that the devil or angel you don’t know may be unfamiliar. The confusion, loss of confidence, and self-esteem depletion that often arise from narcissistic relationships can lead many to feel incapable of being on their own. But let me assure you: any day without a narcissist, even if it’s a day alone, is far better than a day with them.
We are bombarded with narratives suggesting that being in a relationship is inherently better—that family and old friends are worth keeping. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren’t. A key focus of healing for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse is to embrace solitude and recognize that not being invalidated, manipulated, or gaslighted is invaluable.
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While the origins of this proverb remain unclear, the sentiment reflects the realities of trauma bonds and fear—staying with the devil you know to avoid the devil you don’t. After surviving a narcissistic relationship, you know you have the ability to survive again. Familiarity may seem comforting, but it’s a trap when it comes to toxic relationships.
Yes, the devil you don’t know can be scary, but sometimes that devil—or angel—you don’t know might be your salvation, whether it involves a new person or, better yet, just yourself. The awakening, healing, and recovery from narcissistic abuse is about being with yourself, and that is the ultimate prize.
We are familiar with future faking when narcissists do it. They promise change, therapy, a better future, or a raise—but these promises rarely materialize. A significant aspect of trauma bonding is when we future fake ourselves, clinging to hope and ignoring the current mess by pinning our hopes on a future date.
So what does self-future faking look like? One version involves rationalizing the narcissistic person’s behavior. We might think, “They’re going through a tough time at work; once this deadline passes, everything will improve,” or “I know they’re working late for us to buy a home.” These thoughts not only help us excuse their inappropriate actions but also connect it to a hopeful future, resulting in self-blame.
Another example is thinking, “Next year’s summer vacation will be different; it will be so much better.” This type of future faking revolves around the relationship. There’s also self-future faking that pertains to ourselves. For instance, we might say, “Once I get therapy, this relationship will improve because I’m too anxious.” This links our potential changes to the relationship’s outcome.
While I believe you can make those changes, the reality is that personal growth won’t change a narcissistic relationship. You might think your efforts will yield a different future, but that’s not how it works. Self-future faking is often a justification, intertwined with self-blame—thinking, “I’m too demanding; they have a tough backstory.
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We might think, “It just has to get better; it will get better.” Cognitive dissonance arises when you decide to stay in a situation you know won’t improve. You may convince yourself, “Next year will be different,” despite deep down knowing that it won’t. To make the pieces fit in a narcissistic relationship, you gamble on the future. Hope can muddle your perception of reality.
You keep making promises to yourself: “Once they get a promotion, once the kids move out, once we move to a bigger house, once they go to therapy, once they end their affair.” The challenge here is that you are living in a future that is unlikely to happen. Yes, circumstances may change, but the fundamental patterns of a narcissistic relationship—gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting, and entitlement—will remain.
If you choose to stay in one of these relationships, you must recognize this truth. It’s not easy, but it represents radical acceptance. You can either stay or leave, but please avoid future faking, as it leads to more self-blame. You might think, “I’m so foolish for believing they would change.” You’re human; you love someone and want to believe in them.
To assess a relationship, focus on the present, not on what it could be one day. If the fundamentals are lacking today, that should inform your decision. Chances are, those fundamentals will remain unchanged in the future. You may be in a different house, have more or less money, or have children or not, but the core issues will persist.
Avoid complicating matters by future faking yourself. The fear of being alone is prevalent in narcissistic relationships. This fear can stem from years of invalidation and gaslighting, leading you to doubt your abilities. The control exerted in these relationships often results in a loss of confidence, making you believe you cannot function without the narcissist.
For many, the fear of being alone becomes magnified after leaving a narcissistic relationship, particularly for those who have suffered from childhood trauma or conditional love. This fear may lead to panic and anxiety, prompting thoughts like, “I should have never left; it really wasn’t that bad.”
If you fear being alone due to narcissistic abuse, consider these strategies:
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- Practice Being Alone: If possible, spend some time alone to see how it feels. Imagine coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone, or attending events solo. While this may evoke anxiety, think about the peace that could come from not being criticized or invalidated.
- Seek Therapy: Therapy can help address the core issues fueling your fear of being alone. Years of manipulation and invalidation can leave you confused, but therapy can assist in rebuilding your sense of self.
- Join Support Groups: Connecting with like-minded individuals can provide encouragement and bolster your sense of community.
- Engage in Meaningful Activities: Pursue hobbies, volunteering, or new responsibilities that give you a sense of purpose. Building a sense of efficacy can help counteract the fear of being alone.
The fear of being alone may have predated your narcissistic relationship, but it is often exacerbated by it. Many individuals may have entered these relationships despite red flags due to the fear of solitude. However, being alone does not equate to failure; it can be a path toward healing.
In our culture, there is a tendency to shame those who are single, but being alone is not inherently negative. It can be a significant step forward compared to enduring a narcissistic relationship.
Lastly, remember that trauma can significantly impact our lives, including our mental and physical health, decision-making, and vulnerability to further trauma. Understanding how trauma affects you is crucial in breaking the cycle and moving toward healing.
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