Self-future faking is another term for justification, similar to what we see in the trauma-bonded framework. However, it involves something that will happen down the line and is almost always coupled with self-blame. We might think, “I’m being too demanding; they have a tough backstory,” or we may find ourselves in denial and self-reassurance, believing that “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” How many of you have used that to rationalize your narcissistic relationship?
As always, thank you to everyone who has been sending in these proverbs; you often inspire me with ideas I hadn’t considered before. This homespun wisdom, as much as it may seem pointless, is worth discussing. I’ll tell you why: many of these proverbs, while sometimes good, can also keep us stuck.
This particular proverb has several variations. Some say, “The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t.” Its origins range from Irish to African proverbs, and even a line from a trope novel. But what does this proverb mean? Essentially, it suggests that the person you don’t like—who may be tough on you but is familiar—is better than someone unknown. When we consider the variation involving the angel you don’t know, it implies that even a bad person you already know is preferable to facing the uncertainties of a new person, regardless of their potential goodness.
This proverb encapsulates a primary reason many people become stuck in narcissistic relationships, using it as a justification. Familiarity plays a significant role here. Let’s face it: the narcissist is the devil you know. You may understand how they will gaslight you, manipulate you, or cheat and lie to you. Your expectations might be lowered, so even though living with such low expectations feels terrible, at least you know the territory. You understand how it all operates.
I can’t tell you how often individuals in narcissistic relationships say, “I know this relationship is absolutely unhealthy and awful, but what if I go out there and meet someone new, find a new job, or make new friends? I might just encounter more bad people, and at least I already know this bad person.” The thought of reliving those processes, making more mistakes, and experiencing new hurts feels overwhelming for many, leading them to fall back on the devil they know.
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