Familiarity can be one of the most seductive human experiences. When something is familiar—even if it is bad—we are often drawn to it. This dynamic is a key component of trauma bonding. For someone who grew up in a family that was invalidating, rejected, or had an unempathic parent, it can be almost magnetic to revert to such patterns and justify them as a deep connection. That familiarity can trap us in toxic relationships, which is the essence of the “devil you know” concept.
The “devil you know” also represents fear, which is central in narcissistic relationships. The fears that many individuals face when considering leaving a narcissistic relationship include the fear of being alone, being broke, not seeing their children, fear of disapproval, and the fear of never meeting new people. This fear can be rationalized through the proverb, reinforcing the idea that staying is safer.
For me, this proverb serves as a chilling cautionary tale about narcissistic abuse. Many people remain in intimate relationships out of fear—fear of being alone, fear that the narcissist will move on if they leave, or fear that they won’t find someone else. I have spoken with numerous individuals, especially women, who have stayed in long-term narcissistic marriages. They often feel that if they leave, they may struggle to find a new partner, rationalizing staying in a detrimental situation as the “devil you know.”
Another relevant issue raised by this proverb is the idea of “devil versus devil.” The devil you know—your existing narcissist—is perceived as better than the devil you don’t, often conceptualized as another person. For some, however, the “devil you don’t know” may be being single, alone, cutting ties with family, or leaving a long-term job. The unknown future can be daunting.
It’s essential to start recognizing that the devil or angel you don’t know may be unfamiliar. The confusion, loss of confidence, and self-esteem depletion that often arise from narcissistic relationships can lead many to feel incapable of being on their own. But let me assure you: any day without a narcissist, even if it’s a day alone, is far better than a day with them.
We are bombarded with narratives suggesting that being in a relationship is inherently better—that family and old friends are worth keeping. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren’t. A key focus of healing for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse is to embrace solitude and recognize that not being invalidated, manipulated, or gaslighted is invaluable.
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