While the origins of this proverb remain unclear, the sentiment reflects the realities of trauma bonds and fear—staying with the devil you know to avoid the devil you don’t. After surviving a narcissistic relationship, you know you have the ability to survive again. Familiarity may seem comforting, but it’s a trap when it comes to toxic relationships.
Yes, the devil you don’t know can be scary, but sometimes that devil—or angel—you don’t know might be your salvation, whether it involves a new person or, better yet, just yourself. The awakening, healing, and recovery from narcissistic abuse is about being with yourself, and that is the ultimate prize.
We are familiar with future faking when narcissists do it. They promise change, therapy, a better future, or a raise—but these promises rarely materialize. A significant aspect of trauma bonding is when we future fake ourselves, clinging to hope and ignoring the current mess by pinning our hopes on a future date.
So what does self-future faking look like? One version involves rationalizing the narcissistic person’s behavior. We might think, “They’re going through a tough time at work; once this deadline passes, everything will improve,” or “I know they’re working late for us to buy a home.” These thoughts not only help us excuse their inappropriate actions but also connect it to a hopeful future, resulting in self-blame.
Another example is thinking, “Next year’s summer vacation will be different; it will be so much better.” This type of future faking revolves around the relationship. There’s also self-future faking that pertains to ourselves. For instance, we might say, “Once I get therapy, this relationship will improve because I’m too anxious.” This links our potential changes to the relationship’s outcome.
While I believe you can make those changes, the reality is that personal growth won’t change a narcissistic relationship. You might think your efforts will yield a different future, but that’s not how it works. Self-future faking is often a justification, intertwined with self-blame—thinking, “I’m too demanding; they have a tough backstory.
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