We might think, “It just has to get better; it will get better.” Cognitive dissonance arises when you decide to stay in a situation you know won’t improve. You may convince yourself, “Next year will be different,” despite deep down knowing that it won’t. To make the pieces fit in a narcissistic relationship, you gamble on the future. Hope can muddle your perception of reality.
You keep making promises to yourself: “Once they get a promotion, once the kids move out, once we move to a bigger house, once they go to therapy, once they end their affair.” The challenge here is that you are living in a future that is unlikely to happen. Yes, circumstances may change, but the fundamental patterns of a narcissistic relationship—gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting, and entitlement—will remain.
If you choose to stay in one of these relationships, you must recognize this truth. It’s not easy, but it represents radical acceptance. You can either stay or leave, but please avoid future faking, as it leads to more self-blame. You might think, “I’m so foolish for believing they would change.” You’re human; you love someone and want to believe in them.
To assess a relationship, focus on the present, not on what it could be one day. If the fundamentals are lacking today, that should inform your decision. Chances are, those fundamentals will remain unchanged in the future. You may be in a different house, have more or less money, or have children or not, but the core issues will persist.
Avoid complicating matters by future faking yourself. The fear of being alone is prevalent in narcissistic relationships. This fear can stem from years of invalidation and gaslighting, leading you to doubt your abilities. The control exerted in these relationships often results in a loss of confidence, making you believe you cannot function without the narcissist.
For many, the fear of being alone becomes magnified after leaving a narcissistic relationship, particularly for those who have suffered from childhood trauma or conditional love. This fear may lead to panic and anxiety, prompting thoughts like, “I should have never left; it really wasn’t that bad.”
If you fear being alone due to narcissistic abuse, consider these strategies:
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