Today, we’re diving into a fascinating and often overlooked topic: how female narcissists use pity to gain power and control over the lives of others.
While many of us are familiar with the grandiosity and aggression of overt narcissists, female narcissists often operate in a much subtler yet equally damaging way. They don’t necessarily rely on intimidation or overt dominance, as many overt male narcissists do. Instead, they play the victim. This tactic, which I call the “victim act,” is their ultimate weapon.
The Female Narcissist’s “Victim Act”
Today, we’re talking about the female narcissist and her use of what I call the “victim act,” where pity becomes a domination and control tactic. This approach is designed to get others to do what she wants.
Why Is This Tactic So Effective?
Humans, in general, are naturally empathetic. Most people are wired to help others in distress. To complicate matters, narcissists typically target people who are highly empathetic, making them particularly vulnerable to manipulation. Female narcissists exploit this tendency to its fullest.
They craft stories in which they are always the ones being wronged—whether by a partner, a friend, a family member, or life itself. These stories are often exaggerated or outright fabricated to invoke maximum sympathy. By doing so, they position themselves as the victim in every situation, drawing in highly empathetic individuals who feel compelled to rescue or support them.
But here’s the catch: their victimhood isn’t genuine. It’s a smokescreen designed to distract you from their true motives—control, manipulation, and keeping you emotionally tethered to them.
How Does This Work in Relationships?
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Imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone who constantly recounts their traumatic past. They might tell you about being betrayed by an ex, abandoned by family, or enduring unimaginable hardships. At first, your heart aches for them, and you may even feel compelled to step in and be their savior.
But as time goes on, you start to notice a pattern: their hardships never seem to improve, no matter how much you give or how hard you try to help. If you point out inconsistencies in their stories or express your own needs (heaven forbid), they twist the narrative. Suddenly, you’re the bad guy for being “insensitive,” “unkind,” or even “abusive.”
Over time, you find yourself walking on eggshells, always trying to prove that you’re not like the people who hurt them before. This is how they gain control—by making you feel responsible for their happiness and well-being.
The Lack of Accountability
One of the most dangerous aspects of this tactic is how it allows female narcissists to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Everything becomes someone else’s fault.
- If they lash out at you, it’s because they were “triggered” by past trauma.
- If they fail to meet obligations, it’s because they were “too overwhelmed.”
You’re left feeling guilty for even thinking about holding them accountable. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-esteem and confidence. You begin to question your own perceptions, needs, and even your identity.
Divide and Conquer
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Female narcissists also use pity to divide and conquer. This is especially common in families or workplace settings.
- They tell one person a story where they’re the victim of someone else.
- Then, they tell that “someone else” a completely different version of the story.
The result? Chaos. People around them begin to mistrust each other, focusing their energy on untangling the drama. Meanwhile, the female narcissist remains at the center of it all—untouched and playing the “poor victim” everyone rallies around.
What Can You Do?
If you recognize this pattern in your life, the first step is awareness. Understand that their victimhood is not a reflection of reality. It’s a strategy—a carefully constructed illusion designed to manipulate you.
- Set boundaries: You are not responsible for fixing their lives or healing their wounds.
- Seek support: Female narcissists are masters of isolating their targets, but you are not alone. Therapy, support groups, or communities like ours can help you regain your confidence and take back control of your life.
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