The narcissist’s desire for argument is frustrating. They will debate about anything. The truth can be staring them in the face, and they will still argue and stick to their conviction that you are wrong and they are right. You instinctively defend yourself when the narcissist sets out a conflict with you. You’re trying to explain how that isn’t what you meant, that you didn’t mean it poorly, or any other statement in an attempt to alleviate the tension and move away from the narcissist’s persistent attack on you.
Why does the narcissist dispute everything, and what is their aim in doing so? The narcissist inhabits a realm of anarchy, striving to govern as much as they can around them. They meticulously shape their reality. Still, the narcissist enjoys anarchy, even if they seem to be trying to reduce the uncertainty. The narcissist lives in a continual state of illusion and tension; they are never content and calm. For them, this is a known sensation where they feel most at ease because of its familiarity. Should things go perfectly and without problems, the narcissist will launch a conflict. They can then increase their narcissistic supply with this reasoning, which they will project throughout their discussions.
The narcissist’s projection is the process by which they project their own negative thoughts and emotions onto another person. Although the narcissist feels and thinks negatively, this is difficult for them to accept. Apart from nobody wishing to have negative ideas about oneself, this is especially challenging for the narcissist because of their unstable sense of self and fragile ego. They have to constantly feel that they are better in order to protect their fragile ego and ward against narcissistic damage. Should the narcissist start to have negative thoughts or feelings, they will project them onto someone else and center the other person above themselves. This usually results in conflicts, as the narcissist accuses the other person of something untrue.
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The narcissist will argue non-stop to make sure the other person feels it’s about them, as they cannot see their words as untrue. All of this is meant to help them control the circumstances. The narcissist argues with deliberate intent. Often, they schedule their arguments to gain the biggest advantage. They may pick on you and point out how you’re making little mistakes. This nitpicking is done in readiness for a more intense dispute, timed perfectly for the narcissist. For instance, you may be at a family function later tonight with the narcissist. The narcissist makes things as uncomfortable for you as possible because they want to keep you from leaving. They pick at you all day, and then you snap at them during the event that evening. You rightly snap at them, as their immature and violent behavior has reached your limit. However, this happens in front of your family, who lack the background knowledge of what happened during the day. You then seem like the problem, just as the narcissist intended. You made them attend the event, so they started a fight with you to help control the story in their favor.
The narcissist is insecure and low on supply, so they initiate arguments with you. The disagreement becomes a means of increasing their narcissistic supply and helping them feel more in control. One type of baiting is picking arguments with you. Start noticing the little things the narcissist does as a premonition for a later conflict, and back off without taking the bait. The narcissist launches the conflict to increase their supply and find an alternative path to feel better about themselves, excluding you.
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