Narcissistic families do not operate the way functional, normal, loving families do. Families like mine operate under specific unspoken rules—rules that everyone in the family is clearly aware of. Today, I’m going to explain these rules and how they govern a narcissistic family.
Rule #1: Walking on Eggshells is the Norm
If you have a narcissistic parent or parents, you know what I’m talking about. You never know what kind of mood your narcissistic parent will be in from moment to moment. Therefore, you and everyone else in the house are required to walk on eggshells and pins and needles at all times because anything—absolutely anything—could set off the head narcissist at any moment.
Rule #2: Loyalty is Demanded, Never Earned
Narcissistic families operate as an “us against them” system. They expect everyone in the family to be unconditionally loyal to them, regardless of how they treat you or others. Loyalty is demanded, not earned.
Rule #3: Love is Conditional
Do not expect love in a narcissistic family to be unconditional. It’s 100% conditional on what you contribute to the family in terms of narcissistic supply. If you achieve something they can take credit for—like excelling at school, sports, or work—they will show you affection. However, if you fail to provide supply, you’ll be ignored, ridiculed, or abused.
Rule #4: Competition is Valued Over Cooperation
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Narcissistic families thrive on competition, not cooperation. Narcissistic parents often triangulate and pit siblings against one another. Instead of fostering healthy relationships, siblings compete endlessly for the narcissistic parent’s attention and approval, which they’ll never truly achieve.
Rule #5: Feelings are Bad or Wrong
In a narcissistic family, expressing emotions is not allowed. Sensitive children are often mocked, ridiculed, or devalued for showing vulnerability. The rule is simple: “Suck it up and keep your mouth shut.”
Rule #6: Submission is Mandatory
Narcissistic families function as dictatorships. Members are expected to submit to the demands of the head narcissist without question. Independent thoughts or opinions are neither encouraged nor tolerated.
Rule #7: Image is Everything
Narcissistic families are obsessed with maintaining a perfect image to the outside world, even if it’s superficial and fake. They care more about appearances than morals, ethics, or genuine substance.
Rule #8: Someone Must Be Blamed
There is always a scapegoat in a narcissistic family. Internal problems are blamed on one family member, and external problems are blamed on someone outside the family. Accountability is nonexistent.
Rule #9: Denial Rules
Denial is a central feature of narcissistic families. Members are required to either genuinely deny the dysfunction or pretend to. The family dynamic is superficial, full of abuse, envy, and misery—yet everyone is expected to act like everything is fine.
Rule #10: Rage is Normalized
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Narcissistic rages are frequent and expected to be tolerated without question. Once the rage subsides, the narcissist expects everyone to act as if nothing happened, no matter how abusive they were.
Rule #11: Sides Must Be Taken
The dominant narcissist requires family members to take their side, even if it means lying or harming others. This is particularly evident in cases of divorce, where children are often coerced into siding with the narcissist against the other parent.
Rule #12: Your Worth is Based on Supply
In a narcissistic family, your value is entirely dependent on the supply you provide to the dominant narcissist. If you fail to provide supply, you are ignored, ridiculed, or outright abused.
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