Living with a strongly narcissistic individual is challenging, whether it’s someone in your home, extended family, workplace, or elsewhere. Narcissists often approach relationships with control issues, exploitation, insensitivity, and an unwillingness to understand others. They adopt a condescending, superior attitude that makes interactions with them very difficult. At times, their narcissism intensifies and becomes abusive.
When we talk about abuse, we often refer to two general forms:
- Ongoing, entrenched mistreatment—day in and day out, there’s a constant sense of indignity.
- Episodic abuse—negative episodes may happen sporadically but can be severe, ugly, and damaging. Sometimes, both forms occur in combination.
As a therapist, I often encountered individuals who had been caught engaging in abusive behavior and were brought into my office. Sometimes, their victim accompanied them to provide context. At times, abusers reluctantly admitted their wrongdoings, expressing remorse. However, over time, even those who initially seem regretful may begin to justify their actions. Some don’t admit fault at all, jumping straight to justification.
When a narcissist justifies their abuse, they tend to follow predictable patterns:
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- Denial: They downplay or dismiss the abusive behavior, reframing it as an overreaction or misunderstanding.
- Projection: They attribute their own issues to the victim, claiming that the victim is unstable or erratic.
- Blame-shifting: They insist the victim provoked or deserved the abuse.
Let’s break down these patterns:
1. Denial
Narcissists may say things like, “It wasn’t really abuse,” or, “You’re overreacting.” They avoid responsibility by minimizing the event. This reflects their long-standing inability to take accountability for their actions.
2. Projection
They deflect their own flaws onto you, suggesting you are the unstable one or that you triggered them. For example, they might say, “You’re the one who caused this. You’re so erratic.”
3. Blame-shifting
This can escalate into outright accusations such as, “You had it coming,” or, “If you were more respectful, this wouldn’t have happened.” They might highlight unrelated incidents to justify their behavior or claim they’ve been pushed too far.
4. Minimization
They might say, “It wasn’t that bad,” or compare themselves favorably to others who they claim are worse. Statements like, “Lots of people have done worse,” or, “Why can’t you just get over it?” are designed to invalidate your feelings.
5. Excuses
They might blame their upbringing or past experiences, saying, “I had a rough childhood,” or, “I’ve been through a lot.” While past trauma is often a legitimate factor, it doesn’t justify perpetuating abusive behavior.
6. Virtue signaling
They might say, “I’m a good person—just look at all the nice things I’ve done,” in an effort to overshadow the abusive behavior.
7. Isolation tactics
They might claim, “I get along with everyone else except you,” to make you feel like the problem. This is a manipulative tactic to shift the blame entirely onto you.
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Abuse, whether subtle or overt, is always damaging. Justification of abuse only compounds the harm, leaving victims feeling gaslit and invalidated.
When dealing with a narcissist, it’s crucial to remember:
- Their behavior reflects their own unresolved pain and self-loathing.
- No one deserves abuse, and their mistreatment of you does not diminish your worth.
- Healing requires long-term accountability and effort—something many narcissists are unwilling to undertake.
If you’re struggling with these dynamics, consider seeking help. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can connect you with professionals who can support you through this journey. I’ve also developed courses such as Anger Games, This Is Me (about setting boundaries), and Free to Be (about rediscovering yourself). These resources, along with my webinars, articles, and books, are designed to empower you to reclaim your strength and find peace.
Remember, no one can take care of you better than you can. You deserve a life filled with dignity and respect.
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