- Denial: They downplay or dismiss the abusive behavior, reframing it as an overreaction or misunderstanding.
- Projection: They attribute their own issues to the victim, claiming that the victim is unstable or erratic.
- Blame-shifting: They insist the victim provoked or deserved the abuse.
Let’s break down these patterns:
1. Denial
Narcissists may say things like, “It wasn’t really abuse,” or, “You’re overreacting.” They avoid responsibility by minimizing the event. This reflects their long-standing inability to take accountability for their actions.
2. Projection
They deflect their own flaws onto you, suggesting you are the unstable one or that you triggered them. For example, they might say, “You’re the one who caused this. You’re so erratic.”
3. Blame-shifting
This can escalate into outright accusations such as, “You had it coming,” or, “If you were more respectful, this wouldn’t have happened.” They might highlight unrelated incidents to justify their behavior or claim they’ve been pushed too far.
4. Minimization
They might say, “It wasn’t that bad,” or compare themselves favorably to others who they claim are worse. Statements like, “Lots of people have done worse,” or, “Why can’t you just get over it?” are designed to invalidate your feelings.
5. Excuses
They might blame their upbringing or past experiences, saying, “I had a rough childhood,” or, “I’ve been through a lot.” While past trauma is often a legitimate factor, it doesn’t justify perpetuating abusive behavior.
6. Virtue signaling
They might say, “I’m a good person—just look at all the nice things I’ve done,” in an effort to overshadow the abusive behavior.
7. Isolation tactics
They might claim, “I get along with everyone else except you,” to make you feel like the problem. This is a manipulative tactic to shift the blame entirely onto you.
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