Trying to converse with a narcissist is like living in the Twilight Zone. Okay, it’s a little dramatic, but not entirely far from the truth. It’s almost like you’re on a different planet. In fact, sometimes it feels like you’re speaking a different language. In this article, I want to talk about seven strategies that narcissists use when conversing with you or during a disagreement.
The reason I want to focus on these seven strategies is that one of the reasons we go through so much emotional turmoil when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist is because we don’t realize what they’re doing during conversations. We think they’re communicating like us, but they’re not. They have a completely different agenda. Once we start to realize this, once we shine a light on their hidden strategies, we can begin to take our power back.
So, let’s get started with strategy number one: Invalidation. Something that’s very frustrating about narcissists is their inability to validate your feelings or viewpoints. Now, validation isn’t about completely agreeing with someone or seeing eye to eye on everything. Validation is simply acknowledging someone’s point of view—listening to what they’re saying and caring enough to let them know that they are seen and heard. Narcissists never validate. What they often do to avoid validation is blame-shift. Rather than focusing on their behavior, they quickly change the conversation to something they claim you’ve done wrong.
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In a healthy relationship, it’s normal to imagine that in any disagreement, both parties can share some responsibility. It’s unrealistic to think one person is 100% blame-free while the other is 100% at fault. There’s always something both partners can learn, improve on, or recognize in themselves. The purpose of blame-shifting is to take the spotlight off the narcissist and place it on you.
Number two is projection. Narcissists use projection to avoid looking at themselves as the problem. They project their own flaws onto you. For example, if they’re name-calling, they’ll accuse you of name-calling. If they’re selfish, they’ll say you’re selfish. This not only keeps them from examining their own behavior but also causes emotional frustration for you because you know what they’re accusing you of isn’t true. The strategy behind projection is to take your focus off their behavior and keep you busy trying to prove them wrong.
Number three: Word salad. Narcissists will bring up something completely unrelated, making no logical sense, and your mind gets stuck trying to make sense of it. You think you’re dealing with a logical person, but there’s no logic in their tactics. Once they start using word salad—hopping from topic to topic in an unintelligible manner—you lose focus on the original issue, and their strategy works.
Number four: Gaslighting. Narcissists use gaslighting by denying they said something or accusing you of saying things you didn’t. They lie so convincingly that you start to doubt yourself. This tactic makes you question your reality, which is exactly what the narcissist wants—to keep you focusing on yourself instead of their manipulative behavior.
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Number five: Hurt and rescue. Narcissists will hurt you and then offer a solution for peace, which is always on their terms. By the end of it, you’re left thinking you’re the problem, and they present themselves as the calm, rational one. They may even suggest that you need help, further undermining your confidence.
Number six: Using your emotional state against you. Narcissists deliberately rile you up through these manipulative strategies, and when you’re emotionally overwhelmed, they remain calm. They’ll point out how calm they are compared to your emotional state, making you question yourself and your reactions. For a moment, you might even start to wonder if they’re right, that maybe you are the problem.
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