For most of us, shame is a personal emotion triggered by feelings of unworthiness, exposure, or failure to meet expectations. Though painful, it is manageable.
For narcissists, however, shame runs far deeper. It is not just a fleeting feeling but a persistent threat to their fragile sense of identity. Narcissists hide their shame beneath layers of arrogance, vanity, and a false sense of superiority. They construct an image of perfection, doing everything in their power to ensure others perceive them as flawless and unaffected.
Admitting to weakness or imperfection is a nightmare for them, as it undermines the identity they’ve painstakingly built. To avoid embarrassment, they employ defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, and deflection. For instance, they may blame others for their mistakes, portray themselves as victims, or divert attention from their flaws.
However, these tactics can only hold for so long. When forced to face the consequences of their actions—such as losing control over you—their inner turmoil is exposed.
The Impact of Shame on Hoovering
Narcissists rely heavily on external validation to sustain their self-esteem. They require admiration and affirmation to feel secure. When you step away and stop providing this validation, they feel empty, unworthy, and lost.
Normally, this sense of loss would motivate them to hoover—doing whatever it takes to reclaim your attention and repair their damaged ego. However, shame can obstruct this process.
Narcissists may become paralyzed by the fear of rejection, appearing weak, or being seen as flawed. Their intense fear of failure often outweighs their desire to regain control. To avoid the possibility of rejection, they may withdraw entirely rather than take the risk.
This internal conflict creates a push-pull dynamic. On one hand, the narcissist craves your approval. On the other, their overwhelming fear of shame and rejection keeps them from reaching out. The result? They retreat into themselves, avoiding confrontation with their vulnerabilities.
Why Their Behavior Feels Confusing
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