To understand this ultimate deception, we must first acknowledge a fundamental aspect of human nature: our tendency to unconsciously adopt beliefs based on our perceptions. Consider the example of a magician. Magicians are known for their illusions—carefully crafted deceptions. They might present a card and declare, “Watch as I make it disappear.” Of course, this is a lie. The card doesn’t truly vanish; it’s cleverly concealed, perhaps up a sleeve, down a pant leg, or hidden from view. The magician creates a series of small deceptions that captivate our attention, prompting us to focus on the illusion’s mechanics.
This is precisely what happens in toxic relationships. We become preoccupied with dissecting the narcissist’s little lies, trying to unravel their intricate web of deceit. However, these smaller lies are merely distractions from the bigger picture.
What is this bigger picture? It’s the realization that there is no real magic at all. The magician isn’t truly performing magic—they’re employing clever techniques of misdirection and illusion. Similarly, all of a narcissist’s little lies serve to distract you from one devastating truth: they do not genuinely care about you.
This is the most insidious lie they perpetuate—the lie of caring, the lie of love. This lie doesn’t always manifest as a direct declaration of love or affection. Many narcissists avoid such explicit pronouncements. Instead, they convey this supposed affection through labels and titles.
A magician uses the title “magician” to imply the existence of magic. Likewise, a narcissist might use the title of “family” to imply a bond of love and loyalty. “I don’t need to say I love you,” they imply, “because we’re family.” They may treat you with contempt but still cling to the label of family as justification for their behavior.
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