Today’s article is based on a request from one of my faithful subscribers. They wanted to know why narcissists say one thing and do another, and what the power dynamics behind this behavior are.
This is an excellent observation, as narcissists are well-known for being hypocritical. They often say one thing but do the opposite, contradicting what they claim to believe or feel through their actions. In public, they may project a carefully curated image, showcasing specific beliefs or behaviors, while privately acting in a completely different manner.
Being a hypocrite is standard behavior for narcissists because their actions are driven by an internal need to maintain control—not just over their image, but also over the people around them. Many of us have been taught or programmed to trust people’s words over their actions, always giving them the benefit of the doubt. Narcissists exploit this tendency, knowing exactly what to say and how to say it to appear convincing. They draw us in with false promises, compliments, and soft words to gain our trust.
I’ve created videos before about the things narcissists say to gain trust and how many of them have the gift of gab or persuasion to get people to do what they want. Even though their words don’t match their actions, they place a lot of emphasis on how they speak because they understand the power of words.
The Narcissist’s Tool of Inconsistency
The inconsistency between their words and actions is a tool narcissists use to provoke strong emotional reactions, such as confusion, frustration, or even hope. Narcissists exploit these emotions to maintain dominance.
Let’s examine some of the different power dynamics created by this inconsistency:
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1. Preservation of Their False Self
With their words, narcissists craft a narrative that portrays them as ideal, competent, or morally superior. They say what they think others want to hear to gain trust or admiration. This often involves making promises, feigning vulnerability, or expressing fake remorse.
However, their actions eventually contradict their words because narcissists are opportunistic and self-serving. For example, they might promise kindness and loyalty but later act selfishly and deceitfully to satisfy their immediate desires. This discrepancy keeps their victims off-balance and doubting their perceptions of reality.
2. Control Through Confusion
Using gaslighting and cognitive dissonance, narcissists destabilize their targets. When their actions don’t match their words, we often end up questioning our own judgment instead of recognizing them as the hypocrites they are.
Instead of challenging their behavior, we spend time trying to make sense of their inconsistencies. This gap between words and actions allows narcissists to exploit others’ goodwill while evading accountability.
3. Testing Boundaries
By behaving inconsistently, narcissists test your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. If their actions contradict their promises and there are no consequences, they take it as a green light to escalate their manipulative behavior.
Each boundary violation becomes a power trip for the narcissist, reinforcing their belief that they are in control and untouchable. This is why it’s crucial to set firm boundaries with narcissists—and to enforce consequences when those boundaries are crossed. Without consequences, narcissists won’t hesitate to continue breaking boundaries.
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Final Thoughts
The gap between what narcissists say and do is not accidental—it’s a calculated strategy to maintain power, control, and their inflated self-image while leaving others disoriented and emotionally entangled.
We must remember that narcissists are hypocrites and pathological liars. Everything they say and do is designed to maintain control over their image and the people around them. Their world is built on a mountain of lies that we must see through in order to recognize them for the cruel, toxic beings they truly are.
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