This transformation is often framed as a positive change for the relationship. However, the key indicator is the introduction of a completely new routine or activity that was absent before—a subtle shift that should trigger your intuition. Expressing concern is met with dismissive gaslighting, often cloaked in humor. This casual dismissal provides the narcissist with a “get-out-of-jail-free” card they exploit repeatedly.
For example, during a short beach trip with a narcissist, you might discover a condom in their gym bag—a bag you know with absolute certainty you’ve had nothing to do with. When confronted, they might confidently offer an absurd explanation like, “It must have come with the bag,” delivered with such conviction that it temporarily blinds you to the truth. This brazenness often leaves you rationalizing their behavior, dismissing red flags, and doubting your instincts.
As the relationship progresses, especially during the discard phase, the goal of infidelity shifts. No longer focused solely on secrecy, the narcissist aims to preemptively discredit the notion that they could be cheating, while simultaneously grooming their new source of supply. By this point, you’re likely trauma-bonded, desperately clinging to the relationship, frantically trying to fix what’s broken, and holding onto the hope of transformation. Meanwhile, they treat you with cold contempt, further driving your anxiety and reinforcing their control.
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