So, with all of that in mind, the first thing you want to do when sending a narcissist a crystal-clear message is to leave all emotion out of it—and I do mean all of it. I get that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re hurting and haven’t even begun your personal healing and recovery work. Regardless, know that that is the goal: zero display of emotion, or as close to that as you can get. Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to react to their provocations.
You want to put your business hat on and deal with them like it’s a business transaction—no matter who they are, there is no room for emotion if your goal is to actually communicate in a way that they never even so much as think of messing with you moving forward. It’s all in the delivery, friends.
Now, don’t worry—I’m going to give you plenty of examples of what to say. But first, you want to find a way to stay calm, cool, and collected, no matter what it takes. Make a conscious effort to focus on your breath, stay in your body, and remain completely non-reactive. In other words, underreact to the best of your ability, no matter how much of a performance you have to muster. You can do this! You can react and vent and do whatever it is that you need to do to express your very legitimate hurt, anger, and frustration later on, when you’re by yourself or with a trusted friend, a safe person who gets it and knows the deal.
Again, if you want to communicate in a way that sends a very clear message to the narcissist, then this is your starting point: whatever you do, you’re going to have to find a way to remain calm, cold, even completely detached, demonstrating as little feeling as humanly possible.
Next, think counterintuitive. Forget reasoning with this person. Forget being heard, understood, getting through to them, or getting your needs met—it’s not going to happen. You have to remember that when it comes to people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism, you’re not dealing with a reasonable, rational adult. Rather, you’re dealing with a wounded toddler in an adult body pretending to be an adult. You’re dealing with an entitled, childish ingrate who feels entitled to hurt you deeply and then blame you for the hurt they cause. You’re dealing with someone who is running their own agenda, and that agenda does not include working things out with you in a mutually beneficial and healthy way. Quite the opposite, actually.
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