By the end of this article, you’re going to know exactly what to say to a narcissist and, more importantly, exactly how to say it so the narcissist will never even consider messing with you again. This is going to be good—let’s do it!
So, let’s get into it: what to say to a narcissist so they never consider messing with you again. Now, to begin with, it’s important to know your audience. When you’re dealing with someone with a destructive narcissistic personality pattern, remember that you are actually dealing with an entitled, childish ingrate who lacks boundaries and has very little, if any, empathy. They may even be completely lacking in conscience, meaning the impact of their attitudes and behavior on you doesn’t even register on their radar. They are fundamentally incapable of understanding or caring about the negative and detrimental effects they have on your life.
In addition, understand that you are dealing with a master manipulator—someone who can and will lie with tremendous ease, someone who will go to any lengths, lengths that you and I cannot even fathom, just to get their way, just to win the right fight, just to be seen as the good guy or girl or the victim to your villain, no matter how appallingly they themselves have behaved. They will always find a way to land on either the hero or the victim side of the story. Therefore, you want to be sure to choose your battles wisely. And I’m going to be straight with you: the truth is, more often than not, it’s going to be in your best interest to simply not engage whatsoever. Instead, just back away quietly and stay under the radar. Once you get away, stay away for good.
But if for any reason that’s not an option for you, or if for any reason you’re not quite ready, willing, or able to distance yourself completely and you’re tired of being pushed around by the toxic bully, then here’s what you need to know when it comes to what to say to a narcissist for maximum effect and impact. Remember, it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it that matters. It’s about the posture you embody, the energy you carry, the frequency with which you calibrate—in other words, your emotional intelligence, your sense of self-worth, and your confidence. That matters more than anything else.
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So, with all of that in mind, the first thing you want to do when sending a narcissist a crystal-clear message is to leave all emotion out of it—and I do mean all of it. I get that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re hurting and haven’t even begun your personal healing and recovery work. Regardless, know that that is the goal: zero display of emotion, or as close to that as you can get. Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to react to their provocations.
You want to put your business hat on and deal with them like it’s a business transaction—no matter who they are, there is no room for emotion if your goal is to actually communicate in a way that they never even so much as think of messing with you moving forward. It’s all in the delivery, friends.
Now, don’t worry—I’m going to give you plenty of examples of what to say. But first, you want to find a way to stay calm, cool, and collected, no matter what it takes. Make a conscious effort to focus on your breath, stay in your body, and remain completely non-reactive. In other words, underreact to the best of your ability, no matter how much of a performance you have to muster. You can do this! You can react and vent and do whatever it is that you need to do to express your very legitimate hurt, anger, and frustration later on, when you’re by yourself or with a trusted friend, a safe person who gets it and knows the deal.
Again, if you want to communicate in a way that sends a very clear message to the narcissist, then this is your starting point: whatever you do, you’re going to have to find a way to remain calm, cold, even completely detached, demonstrating as little feeling as humanly possible.
Next, think counterintuitive. Forget reasoning with this person. Forget being heard, understood, getting through to them, or getting your needs met—it’s not going to happen. You have to remember that when it comes to people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism, you’re not dealing with a reasonable, rational adult. Rather, you’re dealing with a wounded toddler in an adult body pretending to be an adult. You’re dealing with an entitled, childish ingrate who feels entitled to hurt you deeply and then blame you for the hurt they cause. You’re dealing with someone who is running their own agenda, and that agenda does not include working things out with you in a mutually beneficial and healthy way. Quite the opposite, actually.
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Furthermore, you’re dealing with someone who is going to be willing to do and say whatever it takes to provoke you, to win the right fight, to manipulate you into either getting their way or making you wrong, bad, or the issue somehow, and more than anything, take the heat off themselves. Of course, they’ll also go to great lengths to manipulate the perceptions of others and to manipulate outcomes. And if they’re resentful and motivated enough, they’re also going to be willing to go to any lengths to seek revenge—and that’s probably the last thing you need.
The truth is, because narcissists lack a fundamental moral compass, a conscience, and they are empathy-impaired, they will go to lengths that you and I cannot even conceive of. They don’t have the same emotional response to their shocking attitudes and behavior, which is why they can often be so shocking to us. They do and say all the things—they contrive situations and circumstances, they manipulate and play games, leaving great big chunks of the truth out of the equation.
So my point being: forget showing up with your big heart and all of that love that you carry, and all that empathy—that is who you are, it’s not who they are. Forget trying to become a better communicator—more understanding, more patient, more tolerant, and long-suffering. Like, “If only I could twist and contort myself enough, maybe I could make this work.” Forget all of that. Forget showing up with what you would normally show up with in a discussion with a reasonably sane and healthy adult. Forget bringing that to the table with a destructive narcissist. You’re not dealing with a reasonably sane and rational adult, so everything that you would normally bring to the table of the conversation with a relatively reasonable, sane, rational, and healthy person isn’t actually going to work with the narcissist. So forget all of it.
What you want to do instead is the exact opposite. That’s what I mean by “think counterintuitive.”
Now, here’s what you do want to do: with as much detached, flatline, non-emotional, non-reactivity as you can possibly muster, use one-word responses and super short, succinct, clear, and simple statements like:
- No
- No thank you
- I’m not available
- I can’t do that
- Thank you, but I’m not interested
The point being, “No” is a full and complete sentence when you’re dealing with an empathy-impaired emotional manipulator hell-bent on targeting and exploiting you. And it might take a little practice to get good at this, so you might consider practicing in the mirror beforehand. But if you can practice delivering the information with zero emotion attached to it—no high-voltage energetic intensity coming off of you when you’re saying what you need to say, super detached, super clear, and succinct, followed by silence—you’ll find that the message lands, whether they like it or not. Stand your ground and do not waver, and they will hear you.
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Now, that said, you may very well need to learn to get comfortable with the uncomfortable silence that follows your short, clear, and succinct statement. Once you deliver your “No” statement, the most powerful thing you can do is say nothing. Let the silence that follows say it all.
And naturally, if this is new behavior for you, you might find that very awkward and uncomfortable, so again, practice when the stakes are low so that when the stakes are high, when it really matters, you can handle the discomfort without wavering. I promise you, this works.
For example, simply say “No” and let the uncomfortable silence be what it will be. Let your one-word answer, or again, the super short, succinct, clear, and simple statement land, and let the silence be what it is. Your job is to breathe, stay in your body, and hold on to yourself. You’re simply delivering information—nothing more and nothing less.
Remember, you’re approaching this like it’s a business transaction. You’re approaching it with that mindset: zero emotion in response to whatever the narcissist is throwing at you.
You can also say things like:
- “I see”
- “I hear you”
- “I understand”
- “I’ll let you know”
- “I’ll get back to you”
- “Let me see”
- “Let me think about it”
Again, short, succinct, clear, followed by silence. Used the right way, silence can be very powerful when dealing with someone who lands on the spectrum of destructive narcissism. Once you get past the discomfort, you’ll find that your silence will be far more powerful than anything you can say, so be sure to use it confidently—especially when dealing with a narcissist and especially when you’re looking to communicate as clearly as possible that you have zero power or influence over me, buddy. You’re wasting your time. I am not a good mark. This is not going to go well for you. I am not giving my power away today.
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You don’t need to say those things out loud, but that is the posture you want to embody when that is the message you want to send to an individual who thinks it’s a good idea to target us. Believe me when I tell you that your perfectly placed silence is going to make them far more uncomfortable than you can even imagine.
Now, in addition, and where appropriate—this isn’t always going to be appropriate for sure or work for you necessarily—but where appropriate, you can say something like:
- “Okay”
- “Cool”
- “I’m okay with that”
- “Fine with me”
- Or one of my personal favorites: “I don’t care” and silence—not another word.
Again, let it land, and if you’re feeling brave, you can also say something like, “Yeah, that’s not going to happen” and silence. Or “That’s not going to work for me” and again, not another word.
Watch the narcissist become completely unraveled when they realize they are fully and entirely powerless over you. This is how you ensure that the narcissist never even thinks of messing with you again. Why? Well, because it’s clear you are no fun to play with. You start communicating like this, embodying that detached, flatline, couldn’t-give-a-flying-bleep kind of energy, and communicating in this fashion, letting the silence be what it is. Pretty soon, they’ll have to go find someone else to play with, and you’ll be left alone and in peace, able to get on with your happy, healthy, and productive life—able to start moving in the direction of a much better life without all the pain, drama, and trauma that the narcissist brings to the table.
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