Narcissists have a very complex relationship with the idea of dying. Part of them is terrified of death, yet the other part is obsessed with it. How come? Why is that so?
You may think it’s about the loss of control, and it indeed is, or about not being able to leave a legacy behind. It could also relate to not having other people cater to their needs or being unable to extract supply. All of that is true.
But what if I told you there is a much bigger reason—a fear that they do not ever talk about, but they drop hints about it. From those hints, I was able to understand what was going on in the skewed psyche of my narcissistic grandfather and why he was afraid of dying. Let’s talk about it further in today’s episode.
Before we get started, please don’t be afraid of the portrait behind me. This is the tiger—or the tigress—I want to wake up in you. This is not a predator; this is your protector. It doesn’t have to be like a narcissist. It has to be a fierce protector, completely guarding you and your boundaries. So try to connect with its energy, and that’s what I do. I wanted to share it in this space.
Understanding the Narcissist’s Fear of Judgment
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Given how a narcissist’s brain works, they cannot tolerate the idea of non-existence. They cannot contemplate not being here, not being able to live it all, feel it all, see it all, and have it all. So whenever they try to work with the idea or make some compromise, bargaining with that idea of going away forever, they immediately feel a lot of panic.
The real reason is they are terrified of the judgment they are going to go through. In all religions, whether Abrahamic or Eastern, there is an after-event. When you die, you don’t simply stop existing; it’s only your body that stops breathing and functioning. What we call living continues in the spiritual realm.
In Abrahamic religions, they say there will be judgment. Whatever you have done, you will be questioned, and karma will be served. Those narcissists who have that kind of belief system are terrified by the idea that sooner or later they will be punished. They will be asked questions for which they won’t have any answers, and what is so terrifying about it? There is no escape.
They can’t manipulate whoever is in charge after death. They can’t twist things or gaslight because everything will come back to them. They will have no power whatsoever. Trust me when I say this: the state of absolute powerlessness is annihilating for a narcissist. They don’t want to go there. Their life is an example of it. Since the day they became a narcissist, they chose to stay away from reality.
And you’re talking about facing it like this after dying—what will they do in the face of it? Call them beings of light or angels when they decide what is going to happen to the narcissist, and that will be their permanent state until they are recreated on Judgment Day according to Abrahamic religions. Imagine the torment. Whether these beliefs are real or not is not the question; it is about a narcissist’s fear of uncertainty and the state of absolute powerlessness.
Narcissists and the Concept of Reincarnation
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In Eastern religions, there is a concept of reincarnation. A narcissist who believes in that concept knows very well they might take rebirth in the form of an insect. They might turn into a snake or something else, but not a human. And how do they know this? They know what they have done all their life. I truly believe this because a narcissist proved what I am saying to you.
Personal Stories and Examples
A long time ago, I had a narcissistic friend. He was a horrible human being, but I was codependent and trying to make the friendship work. One day, he had a massive panic attack and was struggling a lot. On that day, he admitted to me, “Can you please forgive me? I feel like I’ll die soon, and I just want to seek your forgiveness.”
I asked, “Why do you think you need my forgiveness?” He replied, “Well, I have done some wrong things to you. I think what’s happening to me right now is because of that, and I’m going to suffer in the hereafter.”
Do you see that? Another example is my grandfather, who, during his last days, would always say, “I really hope that I am spared from the punishment of the grave and that I do not go to hell. I hope this doesn’t happen, or that doesn’t happen.” While saying it, he sounded totally hopeless.
Now, I know all people are terrified of death. Who wants to die? But narcissists take it to an entirely different level. That is where that obsession comes from. They keep thinking about it because they’re terrified of it. It’s like a scared little cat that is curious to know what that dangerous thing is. It feels terrified but can’t let go of the urge to go near, to find out. And that’s what kills a cat. Curiosity kills the cat—it’s a well-known saying, isn’t it?
That is what happens to a narcissist. They want to know so that they can control it, but there is no way of knowing. And that leads to another reason: death to a narcissist means unpredictability, and narcissists truly hate unpredictability.
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When they are dealing with one of their victims, when they’re dealing with you, they need to know what you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing, and what’s happening in your body. It’s psychosomatic feedback they gather all the time because of their predatory nature, to devise a plan or target an outcome.
But here, when they’re dying and contemplating death, there is no outcome. What can they do about it? The only thing they know is they’ll be either cremated or buried. What happens beyond that, they don’t know. And that is what keeps them awake at night.
That’s also one of the reasons why many of them have hypochondriasis. Now, I’m not saying all people who are hypochondriacs are narcissists. No. I also have hypochondriasis because of my traumatic experiences. That doesn’t mean we are narcissists; I’m just creating a correlation. And remember, correlation does not always mean causation.
The Legacy Obsession
Death to a narcissist also means leaving a legacy behind. They have created their kingdom and shaped it very well. They knew what the dynasty was going to look like. They were the rulers and thought they would sit on that throne forever. But then things start slipping away through their fingers, like sand, when they are diagnosed with terminal illnesses.
It’s like they feel their throne is being snatched away. And my dear survivor, that’s the worst feeling you would not want to go through. Most people—non-narcissistic folks—make peace with their ending one way or another. Some people just go very happily, but when it comes to a narcissist, it’s always extreme; it’s chaotic. Have you had experiences like that? Please share them in the comments below.
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It’s about the legacy. When it comes to legacy, I need to give you another example. This is a real-life story: there was a narcissist who had created a multi-million-dollar empire—I’m talking about a decamillionaire worth $50 million. His end was so brutal that he left not even a penny for his sons, the same sons who had worked for him their entire lives and devoted themselves, settling for the bare minimum, hoping that at the end of it, they would get a fair share of the inheritance.
On his deathbed, the father said, “Even if you were to destroy me right now, I’m not going to give you a penny.” That money was wasted. Nobody could find out what he did with it—maybe he was living a double life. Where it went and how it was spent? No clue whatsoever.
You may wonder, why did he do that? Bitterness. It’s like, “I never thought it was going to come to an end for me. Now that it’s coming to an end and I can see it, I may as well end it for you.”
That’s the reason I created another episode on a similar topic: how a narcissist abuses you from their grave. If you want to watch it right now, click the “I” button above, and you will understand what I’m talking about.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Here is a little secret: this is something you realize in the advanced stages of your healing. No one dies when a narcissist dies. There is no actual death because the person died a long time ago. The inner child within died a long time ago. There is nobody that actually passes away; the only thing that happens is that their biological processes stop, and their body starts decaying. The soul had left a long time ago.
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