what happens when a narcissist sees you as being too strong? When they see that you carry a little more personal power than they’d prefer? Well, a few things can happen, depending on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with.
For example, a fragile, vulnerable, more covert narcissist will initially be attracted to your strength, confidence, courage, and personal power. But inevitably, they’ll be triggered and feel threatened by it. The moment your strong nature begins to shine a light on their own inadequacies, shortcomings, lack of personal integrity, or moral compass, your personal power, strength, and resolve will become a problem. In their mind, you’ll become their adversary. Suddenly, you’ll be the villain, and they, of course, will be the victim.
This is always par for the course when dealing with a covert narcissist; they are forever the victim in every situation, even in circumstances they themselves have not only created but also perpetuated. Know anyone like this? This is a big clue that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
Similarly, a more overt, grandiose narcissist will initially find your strength and personal power very attractive. In fact, they’ll find the challenge your strong character offers to be compelling and irresistible. Again, initially, until things don’t go their way.
Once it becomes clear that you aren’t easily swayed, manipulated, dominated, duped, deceived, or controlled, then your strength and personal power will become a big problem for them. This will frustrate them to no end and justify any retaliatory behavior on their part.
What many people don’t realize is that narcissists don’t tend to go after riff-raff. If you’re being targeted by a destructive narcissist in any way, it’s likely because you bring a lot of good stuff to the table; you carry a lot of light. You’re not only highly empathic but also deeply loving, kind, decent, and good—not perfect, but good. You have a lot going for you.
In essence, you’re the exact opposite of what the narcissist is. Furthermore, you’re probably really smart and at least relatively accomplished. You make them look good because you look good. You enhance their image by osmosis, and they like that—at first.
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So, your strength and personal power, and all the things that make you dynamite, are very attractive to the narcissist in the beginning. The problem, however, is that narcissists need to exert authority over others. They also have to create and maintain a perception of superiority, no matter how false that perception may actually be in reality.
Sooner or later, your strength and personal power are going to become very problematic for a destructive narcissist. Depending on the circumstances, sometimes this will become obvious really quickly. In some cases, it may take longer for it to manifest as an actual issue that’s problematic to the relationship dynamic. When it does, you’ll know it because the shift will be real.
Although a covert narcissist may be able to hide the fear, jealousy, and insecurity your strength and personal power have triggered within them for a time, a more overt narcissist will swing from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in an instant. They won’t likely be able to hide their triggers or wounded ego as easily.
In my opinion and experience, all narcissists are both phony and sneaky, but a covert narcissist brings a little extra to the party in that regard.
It’s important to remember that narcissistic people need to be in a position of dominance and control over others. All is well as long as they’re getting their way and having their needs met. But the moment that’s not the case, look out. Once they’re not getting their way, once it becomes clear that they’re not in control, and once you’re not complying, or God forbid, you accidentally show them up somehow—like shining a little too bright or simply being who you naturally are—their ego takes a hit. Sometimes it’s a big hit, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and you have no control over it. Remember, it’s their stuff, not yours.
If they can’t gaslight you into some form of submission, compliance, or feelings of inferiority, if they can’t manipulate, dominate, or control you, then, given the limited tools they have in their emotional and psychological toolbox, they’ll be left with no other choice than to target you differently, more passively. But just as destructively, if not more so, than their direct tactics.
This is usually done by manipulating and controlling how other people see you. When a narcissist can’t control you, they feel threatened by you. When they feel threatened by you, they’ll have to deal with the threat to their false persona in the only way they know how. Usually, that means working to control how others see and perceive you, how others feel about you. They’ll go out of their way to discredit, diminish, and demean you as a preemptive measure.
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This can be happening long before you even realize there’s a problem. They’re fake, they’re phony, and they’re liars. They tell lies by omission and outright lies with tremendous ease and zero guilt, shame, or remorse. They have no problem showing up and playacting, pretending that all is well while they smear you to smithereens the moment your back is turned.
It doesn’t matter the relationship dynamic; narcissistic parents do this to the children they can’t manipulate, dominate, or control. Narcissistic in-laws jump at the chance to do this as quickly as possible if anyone in the family sees the newcomer or outsider in a favorable light. Narcissistic siblings, relatives, friends, bosses, ex-lovers, and spouses do this all the time, mainly to cover up their own horrific relationship crimes.
The bottom line is that narcissists need to be in a position of perceived superiority, dominance, and control. Although attractive and compelling in the early stages of the relationship dynamic, your strength and personal power will be very problematic for anyone who lands on the spectrum of destructive narcissism. It’s just a question of time.
Why? Because you’ll be too difficult or too hard to handle, which is the same as saying you’re not easy to manipulate, dominate, dupe, deceive, or control.
People who are viewed as being too strong by the narcissist are indeed individuals who are not easily swayed by the opinions of others. They’re confident, boundaried, self-reliant, and clear individuals who are personally developed enough to live sovereign lives, independent of the nonsense the narcissist tends to bring to the table. They think for themselves, act for themselves, feel for themselves, trust themselves, and therefore rely on their own good judgment while being grounded in their own good opinion of themselves as opposed to seeking approval and validation from outside themselves.
Needless to say, this is not exactly what the narcissist is looking for in someone to play their sick little games with.
Now, comment below and let me know whether you’ve had the experience of triggering a narcissist in this fashion. If you’re struggling with narcissistic abuse in any area of your life, you’re likely an excellent candidate for my eight-week transformational coaching program, The Freedom Class. If that interests you, there’s a link in the description below where you can apply to see if you qualify for a free one-on-one consultation with either myself or a member of my team.
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Once the narcissist is triggered by your strength, confidence, courage, and personal power, in addition to discrediting and smearing you to others, they will also jump at every opportunity to knock you down a peg or two. They’ll happily point out any mistakes, flaws, failings, or perceived shortcomings to ensure you don’t think too highly of yourself, feel good about yourself in any way, or, God forbid, allow anyone to see you in a favorable light.
They’ll hold your history and any past mistakes over your head with a bizarre sense of glee. This tactic is just one more way they undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. They’ll take great delight in literally holding your past against you, as if displaying an old picture on the wall that they simply refuse to take down. No matter how far you’ve come, no matter how much you’ve grown, or how much you’ve changed in the years or decades since, anything they can latch onto can and will be used against you.
They will also take great pleasure in honing in on any vulnerabilities with deliberate intent to cause you to second-guess yourself, doubt yourself, and question your worth. In other words, they will deliberately manufacture and amplify any feelings of guilt, shame, fear, inadequacy, and insecurity within you for no other reason than to keep you in line and feeling inferior. When, in reality, it’s their own deeply buried, disowned feelings of inferiority that drive all of this nonsense and insanity.
If you haven’t been on the receiving end of this sort of emotional and psychological abuse, it can be difficult to fathom that people can be this cruel for no other reason than their own fear, shame, and insecurities have been triggered. But I assure you, it happens every day, all day long in the realm of narcissistic abuse.
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To begin with, start by separating yourself from the narcissist to the best of your ability in order to cut off their source of narcissistic supply. Disengage from the dynamic as much as you can. Cut and cauterize entirely if you can. If you can’t do that, then at the very least, act unresponsive when you’re around them by employing the grey rock method.
Once you’ve established what should be, at the very least, low contact, if not outright no contact, then take time to heal. Commit to doing your own personal healing and recovery work so you can reclaim your power and rebuild your self-confidence. This will also help you break the subconscious magnetic relationship pattern that causes you to attract this type of perpetrator into your life to begin with.
Last but not least, learn how to set boundaries in a way that works. Becoming a boundary badass is a life skill few of us were taught, but all of us need. If you don’t know how to set healthy limits and boundaries with confidence, it’s time to learn.
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